Can't We All Just Get a Life

Elections, it would seem to me

Are serious concerns
On each and every ballot
A country’s future turns

It may embrace a tyrant

Or elevate a fool
For politics encourages
The crafty and the cruel

Altruists, in this career

Must pay a higher price
It has a way of preying on
The noble and the nice

And every politician

Who thinks their star is rising
Can be a little pompous
And a bit self-aggrandizing

So waiting for a paragon

I find a wee bit stunning
As if you didn’t know by now
Pope Francis isn’t running

The message that I have today

Simplistic as it sounds
Ted Cruz is not the Steelers
And Kasich ain’t the Browns

If we don’t want to find ourselves

In East and West Berlins
It’s how the nation chooses
Not which contender wins

I don’t care where which one was born

Or has aggressive minions
Or has as many mistresses
As others have opinions

Let’s get back to the issues
Before it gets to late
It’s not as if we don’t have
Lots of issues on our plate

No, you don’t have to pay me

I’ll just give you my advice
If we don’t figure this out fast
We’ll pay a dreadful price.

The Summer of the Server

To everyone except

The most post-partisan observer

I think we’ll soon be calling this

“The Summer of the Server”

As we can all attest

No matter what our rank or station

Technology holds equal parts

Of progress and frustration

I’ve tweeted things, regretfully

I quickly wished I didn’t

And curse Comcast because

My internet is intermittent

Now Hillary has learned

To be connected on the go

Means every little quid

Goes hand in hand with eating quo

She thought that she was being

Slickly subtle, wise and clever

Well, paper can be burned

But, darling, e-mail is forever

She said she found it tough

To have to deal with two devices

But quickly, we found out

That’s just the way baloney slices

30,000 e-mails

About wedding guests and yoga?

I sense a fall like Arnold’s

After Ft. Ticonderoga

Insisting what she did was neither

Criminal nor sloppy

She took the extra step

And gave her counselor a copy

Now just between us two

I wouldn’t call that strict adherence

And last time that I looked

Her lawyer didn’t have a clearance

Because of this, her Ladyship

Is floundering again

And you thought you had problems

Moving up to Windows 10

CH CH CH Changes

Every day the world is changing
In some ways quite hard to notice
Which has not a thin to do with
Who’s the POTUS or the SCOTUS

From the levels of the oceans
To the heights of mountain ranges
For a hundred million seasons
And a thousand climate changes

From the way the birds are singing

To the way the corn is growing
Either shockingly or subtly
Without you even knowing

So it shouldn’t be surprising

And you shouldn’t think it strange
That today’s a little dif’rent
And there’s been a little change

Take a look at ancient history

OH, the Romans were so clever
Sure they had a good thing going
But it couldn’t last forever

And those British noble families

Living in their Downton Abbeys
Now the Lord and Lady Grantham
Are both thriving UBER cabbies 

Neither party has a patent

On the House or on the Senate
And the Cavs will do it next time
And the Tribe can win the pennant

So the point this poet’s making

At a speed that’s somewhat numbing
Change is happening around us
And we need to see it coming

And the statues that should guide us

Both the spirit and the letter
State that every generation
Must make sure it’s for the better

So commit to make the difference

You millennials and geezers
You don’t really want to end up
Like the Lakers or the Caesars.

RUN JOE RUN !

Run Joe Run

Our country’s favorite son
The nation needs your leadership
Run Joe Run

The also-rans have all begun assembling their staffs

We love our crazy uncle and we sure could use some laughs
And what’s a campaign season without attitude and gaffs
So tell us you’re a candidate before the day is done
Your countrymen are calling for you
Run Joe Run

Run Joe Run

Without you it’s no fun
Say it with me everybody
Run Joe Run

Just think of the attention your announcing it will bring

And at the very moment that your hat goes in the ring
It’s the Alleluia Chorus every talk show host will sing
That’s why you must announce before the setting of the sun
Now much more than ever baby
Run Joe Run

Run Joe Run

Our country’s favorite son

Your countrymen are calling for you
Run Joe Run

You’ve got the greatest resume the country’s ever seen

You’re liberal, you’re tolerant, experienced and green
And like the man you serve, you’re both articulate and clean
So say it like you mean it and the victory is won
You owe it to the party faithful
Run Joe Run

For far too long you’ve been the man that’s stuck in second place

You’ve handled the position with such discipline and grace
And don’t you want to see the look on Mrs. Clinton’s face?
So telephone the media and tell them you’re the one
Say it with me everybody
Run Joe Run

Run Joe Run

You old son of a gun
It’s not the same without you, Joey
Run Joe Run

How to Get Away With....

It’s happening all over

Just like you remember when
The vast right wing conspiracy
Is on the move again

They’ve got their pitchforks sharpened

And their banners all unfurled
To see if they can stop
The smartest woman in the world

Their motives may be many

But their tactics are revealing
They just don’t want a woman
Crashing through that Crystal Ceiling

The campaign clouds have gathered
And when it pours, it’s rainin’
So now it seems for certain
She’ll have to do some ‘splainin’

I’ve done my best to save her from
Conservative abuses
By working out and offering
Some plausible excuses

She could just come out swinging

But not with crude or crass words
“I would have used department mail
But couldn’t recall my passwords”
 
She could play contrite and thoughtful
If she wants another take
“Yes, I’m sorry that this happened,
But what difference does it make.”

At last I think I’ve figured out

Her most effective play
If I were Mrs. Clinton
Then here’s what I would say.

"The subjects were so sensitive

I couldn’t take a chance
I had a secret server built
In Sandy Berger’s pants.”

So there’s a few excuses
And there could be many more
Or I guess that she could use
A few that she has used before.

Rules from Radicals

I woke up in the morning
And I felt like eggs
Laid by California chickens
Who can stretch their legs

Eggs sold in California

Now are more expensive
‘Cause chicken regulations here
Are more extensive

And if I want to scramble here or poach or fry here

There’s restrictions on the kind of eggs that I can buy here
 
When I paid the price they wanted
For my egg repast
Covered California called
And told me, “Not so fast!”

Eggs are not the type of protein

That our guideline states
And if you eat that omelet
Then we’ll raise your rates

Well, that kinda’ irritated me

The truth be told
So I called my representative
Got put on hold

Those geniuses in Congress

They could use some scolding
I called him up on Monday
But I’m still here holding
 
That kind of petty tyranny’s a
Downward spiral
So I thought I’d make a video
And take it viral

I knew that on the internet

I’d find some love
But the only sites that loaded
Ended with “dot-gov”

And I learned that every video

Or poem I post
Was subject to approval
By a licensed host

Then I woke up from my nightmare
And was filled with sorrow
For everything I dreamed
Is coming true tomorrow.
 
This final little couplet mirrors my frustration.
The bigger the government, the smaller the nation.

2Poems 2Day

Pep Talk

It just won’t fit inside my brain.

Who goes to war to just contain?

It’s such an old familiar song.

Let’s move on in; but not for long

Let’s go and give this thing a shot

And give it half of what we’ve got

Strategies that I’ve devised are cooler now, and hipper

So follow me, America

Let’s tie one for the Gipper

 

The Language of Flowers

 

Once a year, like clockwork

For 24 Sweet Hours

The whole world speaks one language

They say it all with flowers

 

So as the florists flutter

From house to house with greening

Allow me to explain to you

That each bouquet has meaning

 

Knowledge of this language

And related floracopeia

Can bring discerning gentlemen

The nearer to utopia

 

The messages are subtle

But men must all take notice

If you send her red roses

And she sends back a lotus

 

Red roses stand for passion

Enduring through futurity

Alas, the lovely lotus stands

For chastity and purity

 

So if you bring her roses

And she a lotus brings

Be ready with a sunflower

Which stands for higher things

 

Embrace a vase of pansies

If her pure heart is hard

And send her back some daffodils

To show a warm regard

 

With luck you might impress her

And melt away her coldness

She’ll send you a Delphinium

A metaphor for boldness

 

You reply with ivy

Which shows you’re on the level

As ivy stands for faithfulness

You clever little devil.

 

So why not pop the question

And start the celebration

The bride will have forget-me-nots

And I’ll wear a carnation

The More You Know

I’ve always been so grateful
To the folks at NBC
They’ve done the best they can
To make a better man of me

They told me to eat vegetables

And how to raise my kids
With strategies to help avoid
The plague and AIDS and SIDS

They told me not to bully

And what exercise to try
To think before I texted
And what pick-up truck to buy

They said, about opinions

None are better, none are worse
Provided that my own
Were all sufficiently diverse

I listened to them faithfully

And did what they were urgin’
Including, by example,
How to pick a plastic surgeon

You just can’t watch those promos

Without notice or acknowledgin’
That what these folks are expert in
Are Botox, tucks, and collagen
 
The Emmys and the Peabody
They put up on their shelves
Proves that they’re correct—
In how they feel about themselves

Those know-it-alls at NBC
They’re really awful nice
And so I think it’s my turn now
To offer good advice

Here’s a little lesson

I think all of them should try
The truth, in every circumstance,
Is better than a lie

Please add that to the archive

‘Cause it’s clear, the more you know
The healthier your life will be...
Your friend, Tarzana Joe

Unboxing Poetry with Tarzana Joe

 

Poem 529

Every year, the Beltway crowd
All get a little thrill
As they take the White House budget
On its journey to The Hill
 
You’ll hear familiar phrases like,
“Well, this will never fly.”
While others, with annoyance say,
“The ink’s not even dry.”
 
The most familiar phrasing?
According to the vets here
The folks who say, “That’s D.O.A.”
Before it even gets here!”

But what we saw this week

Is really quite unprecedented
The people rose in outrage
And the President relented.

Tax exempted savings

Which the government still backs
Would, when you took the money out
Be subject to a tax.

The money was for college kids

So folks like us could school them
But trying to explain it
Even Gruber couldn’t fool them

The reason that the White House
Says they made the quick redaction?
The rule was controversial
And they didn’t want the distraction

Some were just astounded
You could hear them gasp and golly
While others see this back down
As a footnote to the folly
 
But scouts are sent ahead
To see the way the tracks get laid
That’s why the world needs poets
And the big bucks we get paid

I see a stand for common sense

And this is what we learned
Hill 529 will be the mountain
Where momentum turned

The people now are up in arms

Let’s keep them on the run
In just this magic moment
The revolution has begun!

Say it Ain't So

News Flash!  The cast of Downton Abbey wins the SAG Award for best acting.  Howzat?  The announcement was made the same night History Channel debuted “Sons of Liberty” which is all about taxation without representation.  Well, I’ve got news for you SAG members.  Your tax dollars are going to pay for the salaries of the non-SAG actors, writers, directors and crew of Downton.  What?  Do you think that the UK’s Carnival Film and Television lets PBS broadcast it for free? 

 This has outraged me for years.  Every dollar of the PBS budget should be spent on American production in America.   But my dear SAG members, not only do they take your tax dollars to pay UK talent, every evening they ask you to donate more.  Hugh Bonneville gets a job and you get a tote bag.

And one more thing…”Sons of Liberty” was made in Romania.

SOTU; A Perspective

I tuned in the speech

And I listened intently
To see how the country

Had changed, fundamentally

 I read all the papers

And watch all the news
I’m pretty well versed
On the facts and my views

But after I heard

What the President said
I learned, to my shame
I’ve been terribly led

My Tea Party friends

Are deceived or deluded
The POTUS has spoken
And so I concluded

To get with the plan

I spent most of the night
Doing the homework
To get my head right.

To open the door

And to turn a new leaf
And so I can say
It is now my belief

That the world is at peace

But the climate’s a crisis
A heat wave in June
Is more trouble than Isis

Selma is better than
12 Years a Slave
Snipers are cowards
But drone-ers are brave

Our plan for Iran

Is productive and clever
And such a success
Talks may go on forever

The deal with Fidel

Was the best we could get
Our friendship with Russia
Is being re-set

We’ve got a great team

And a marvelous bench
And now everyone knows
That John Kerry speaks French

Thanks to the law
We’re all happy and healthy
Let's go for a ride
On the backs of the wealthy

As for 529’s

Well, the government backs them
But when you withdraw
Then we’re going to tax them

He’s willing to hear

What the House is proposing
His office is open
But Gitmo is closing

It’s no never-mind

We’re the world’s biggest debtor

Thanks for the speech

Now I feel so much better

State of the Union - A reply

Following is my humble suggestion for how Joni Ernst should begin her reply to President Obama's State of the Union speech.

On behalf of the Republican Party, I want to thank you, my fellow Americans, for voting this November and for voting to give our party majorities in both the House and Senate.  We thank you for the victories but more importantly we thank you for the trust that you have placed in our policies and our ability to see them through. 

The most important opinion on the state of the union is not the President’s.  It isn’t even mine.  It is yours.  And you have made that opinion very clear.

You do not want a health insurance system that is even more complicated and less responsive than it was before.  You don’t want an immigration system that punishes the lawful and rewards the lawless.  You don’t want to see more and more people leave the job market and hear the administration call that an accomplishment. 

You want a government that won’t try to deceive or mislead you because the consultants and the czars in Washington think you don’t know what’s best for you.  You want to work and travel with the confidence that our country is secure from those who would do us harm.  You want to know that our military is properly equipped and responsibly deployed.  And when an American is wounded, you want to see that soldier receive respect and the highest level of care.

Sadly, in the last six years, you saw things happen in this country and in Washington that made you decide you wanted to go in another direction.  So let me tell you how we think we can all get there…

A Preview of this Week's Poem

Welcome to our world

Dear Harvard Professors
You now have to choose
Of two evils,
The lessers

Ignore all the facts

And keep singing your song
Or step up to the mike
And admit you were wrong

You wrote, at the time
That high costs should be shared
But hoped, way back when
That somehow you’d be spared

I know what you’re thinking

You don’t have to say it
A tax is regressive
If you have to pay it

But sorry to tell you

Ye Brahmins and solons
You’ll now pay for tests
Of your breasts and your colons

And when we have finished

Examining those
For everything else
May you pay through the nose.

Rough Week

The week started out with Harvard professors complaining about their ineluctable deductibles so I wrote a poem about that.  Then there was the horror in Paris so I thought I couldn't go on the air with a funny poem.  I wrote a poem about that.  Then there was a voice (or maybe voices) that said the cartoonists brought this on themselves by provoking the terrorists.  Well, every self-respecting, world-respecting weekly radio poet has to write a poem about that.  And in the midst of all this, our President announces a major policy goal.  Really?

Well, I first wrote a poem about Harvard

When suddenly just before noon
The poem that I wrote about health care
Was now all about a cartoon

I wrote a poem about murder

And then at a quarter to ten
I was told to re-think my position
So I went back and wrote it again

I was warned if my words drew reprisals

And then tragedy out of them came
When the moral result was considered
Then people like me were to blame

I was cowed by this cold admonition

More than I want to acknowledge
So I went back and crafted a sonnet
Making fun of community college

“How dare you!” the faculty shouted

They condemned every word that I spoke
“Take it easy, professor,” I answered
“After all, it was only a joke.”

But the pitchforks and torches were flaming

And the outcry was angry and fierce
“I’m sorry if I have offended…
And a lot of my friends go to Pierce.”

But their shouts were still shrill and insistent
Somewhat muffled behind their bandana
They hollered that I was elitist
And suggested that I leave Tarzana

Now, I’m no fan of hot confrontations

Tell the truth, I’m a bit of a bleeder
So I scribbled the poem I just read you
Which I wrote hiding out in Reseda

It’s been a tough week for a poet
Or a spokesmen who’s part opportunist
And a terrible week for the planet
But it’s worse if you were a cartoonist.

Why is this Week Different?

I’d like to take my pen in hand
And write a little rant
I’d like to vent invective
But it’s Christmas, and I can’t

I’d like to raise my voice

And say the words mom said I couldn’t
I’d like to bruise the language
But it’s Christmas, and I shouldn’t

I’d like to lose my temper

Though my friends all tell me, “Don’t!”
I need an angry outburst
But it’s Christmas, and I won’t

We find a world that’s fallen

And not working as it should be
He came for all the nations
So through sacrifice, it could be
 

But soon the souls he came to save

Saw insurrection brewing
And though he only spoke of Love
They plotted his undoing
 
And when the things they plotted
Brought the Savior to his knees
The last words that he uttered were,
“Forgive them, Father, please.”

The spirit may be willing
But the flesh is often weak
How hard it is to understand
And turn the other cheek

So when I’m moved to anger

Even in a world gone mad
I think of His example
For it’s Christmas, and I’m glad

Red Kettle Rhymes

In Spring, the birds are singing

And in gardens, pretty petals
While now, the bells are ringing
And on corners, there are kettles

Those birds and buds embody

The renewal they proclaim
The coins inside those kettles…
Well, the do about the same

That flowering empowers

The potential in the earth
Your contributions also
Are a part of that rebirth
 
For where the lost and least
Are waiting, whispering a prayer
Your gracious generosity
Can put an Army there

So when you feel the spirit
And you’re doing as you should
Make sure, then, that you’re giving
Where you’re doing the most good

The Army that I speak of

Is essential to our nation
Named and motivated
By the promise of Salvation

The hosts who speak for Salem
Are committed to their mission
And each year they engage in
Somewhat friendly competition

Prager’s in the running

But Bill Bennett’s in the tank
Gallagher’s so far ahead
We think he robbed a bank.

I urge you to contribute

And I’m confident you’ll do it
So please go click the button
By the picture of Hugh Hewitt

 

With your participation

Hewitt’s vic’try is a cinch
So please go make it happen
Or he’ll turn into the Grinch.

Advent 2014

I know it isn’t prudent
And I know it isn’t wise
But every time the news comes on
I just avert my eyes

I sure don’t want to hear it

And I sure don’t want to see
The planet isn’t spinning now
The way it ought to be

I sense a lot of people

Are in trouble getting sleep
The days are short, the weather sharp,
The way is dark and deep

The sun is at its farthest point

The tides have turned away
We’re in a time of trouble
Just as all the prophets say

Though justice is a stranger

And faith and trust are lacking
Somewhere in the wilderness
A caravan is packing

For in the gloom of winter

They see a single star
And know by love and learning
What its implications are

They make no hesitation

Though roads could use some paving
Because they know the journey
Is their duty and their saving

So keep your eyes wide open

Be sure to stay awake
Be ready for the lessons
On the journey you might make

For in the times of trial

And gloom of endless night
The wise are always watchful
For a little point of light

Thanksgiving 2014

Recently, I’ve pondered on

A curious phenomenon

As we acquire more and more

We find less to be thankful for

 

My iPhone 5 is really great

I wish that it was up to date

Somehow I feel that I deserve

To own a flat-screen with a curve

Or get what’s bigger, faster, better

Oh how I need another sweater!

 

That’s why I think in each November

We pause a moment to remember

How, with each breath our blessings mount

And how we should our blessings count

 

And in that moment of reflection

Resolve to seek a new direction

Before we face another Fall

To do our best and give our all

That by our labors and our arts

We upgrade what’s within our hearts

 

Oh Lord, allow to be renewed

Our undiminished gratitude

To cherish life each time we pray

On this and every other day

Please remember that the best stocking stuffer for the poetry lover in your life is

“It Only Hurts When I Rhyme” (Tarzana Joe, collected!)  It is available in paperback from xlibris and in print or Kindle version from amazon.

 

Buy at Amazon

 

 

A Tapestry of Contradictions

I didn’t think it’d get this bad
I’d laugh, except it’s all so sad
In fact, I think it’s quite as bad as it could ever get
A promise is no promise
And a threat is not a threat

Instead it’s gloom that’s spreading

When he swore he’d spread the wealth
And now it’s gone so far,
He’s even lying to himself

He told us we could keep the plan and doctor that we liked

But soon it was the promise not a football that got spiked

He told the world at large there was a line that couldn’t be crossed

It must have slipped his mind or else the paperwork got lost

He had a plan for peace
That he assured us wouldn’t fail
He put aside the hammer
“Because not ever job’s a nail”
He swore before cadets
But he couldn’t even keep that vow
For even he agrees
We kind of need that hammer now

He said he had no power to erase or change a law

Something must have happened; he don’t think that way no more

Those who give the notion there’s a God the shortest shrift

Say, “Could God create a stone so big that even he couldn’t lift?”

Now I’ll make a prediction and so here’s what I predict.

The man can’t make a statement even he won’t contradict.