Jun 26, 2011

Spoonerism Poem

Allow me to tell you a foly hable

The story of brothers, Ain and Cable

Now Cable lived life serene and mellow

But Ain was an angry and fealous jello

Ain wanted everything Even Steven

Just like their parents Ad and Even

But Cable had things a bittle letter

While Ain stitched up fig leaves, he swit a netter

Soon Cable’s slood ran in the boil

Ain shuffled him off this cortal moil

Now just as the next day had begun

God cried out for his savorite fon

In the sinning of man, God was well versed

He sought out Ain, but he weared the forst

“God, why do you think that Cable’s dead?

For all you know, he’s Bill in sted

“You know that Cable’s a heavy sleeper

And what am I anyway, my kother’s beeper?”

God put Ain out of the Arden of Geden

Despite the brother’s cries and pleadin’

Now here is the moral and hear it plain

Do nothing to merit the Cark of Main

Remember your lessons from Sunday School

And always live life by the Rolled in Ghoul

Jun 17, 2011

A Ban on Bans

Our overreaching nannies
Are sitting on their fannies
Hatching clever plans
And plotting lots more bans

It sets their hearts a’flutter
To banish guns and butter
So like Savonarola
They’ve come for Coca Cola

And in their righteous zeal
With joy they can’t conceal
Say, “ If we can we should
It’s all for your own good

They’ve stripped the glue from stamps
And incandescent lamps
Which changed the world like fire
Are now like a pariah

If San Francisco Councilpersons get their wish
Aquariums in town will be bereft of fish
Now in their wildest dreams even the reddest commies
Never saw the need to confiscate Gouramies

Bloomberg and his ilk
Might seek to outlaw silk
For in the clearest terms
It’s unfair to the worms

Well, friends I’ve had my fill
I’m drawing up a bill
With an attached exhibit
Of stuff we must prohibit

Stickers on our fruit
And Congressmen who toot
The colleagues who defend them
I know just where to send them

If it were up to me
Reality TV
I’d banish and consign
To some abandoned mine

Those loud and vulgar ladies
I’d send the straight to Hades
And stack on distant shelves
All shows where people weigh themselves

From now till I’m departed
My friends I’ve only started
I’ll make it my life’s mission
To outlaw…prohibition

Jun 4, 2011

I Wish I was a Congressman in D.C.

I want to be a Congressman
I want to oh so bad
I hear it is the best job
Any person ever had

I will be so focused
I’ll start right now, today
Assembling credentials
To fill out my resume

And this will be the method
That daily I pursue
I’ll do the very things that I’ve heard
Congresspersons do

I’ll make a lot of money first
But won’t pay any taxes
And then I’ll take some photos
Where I’m not wearing my slacks-es

I’ll obfuscate and prattle
To hide my true beliefs
But let the country know
If I wear boxer shorts or briefs

I’ll write some regulations
And say that I’m all for ‘em
But in my private life
You know that I’ll ignore ‘em

I’ll get myself a roommate
A fine upstanding fellow
Then let him use my condo
To run a nice bordello

I’ll live the Life of Reilly
Just like a little Caesar
And if I’m short on money
I’ll just reach into my freezer.

I want to be a Congressman
I want to oh so bad
I hear it is the best job
Any person ever had