Aug 14, 2015

The Summer of the Server

To everyone except
The most post-partisan observer
I think we’ll soon be calling this
“The Summer of the Server”

As we can all attest
No matter what our rank or station
Technology holds equal parts
Of progress and frustration

I’ve tweeted things, regretfully
I quickly wished I didn’t
And curse Comcast because
My internet is intermittent

Now Hillary has learned
To be connected on the go
Means every little quid
Goes hand in hand with eating quo

She thought that she was being
Slickly subtle, wise and clever
Well, paper can be burned
But, darling, e-mail is forever

She said she found it tough
To have to deal with two devices
But quickly, we found out
That’s just the way baloney slices

30,000 e-mails
About wedding guests and yoga?
I sense a fall like Arnold’s
After Ft. Ticonderoga

Insisting what she did was neither
Criminal nor sloppy
She took the extra step
And gave her counselor a copy

Now just between us two
I wouldn’t call that strict adherence
And last time that I looked
Her lawyer didn’t have a clearance

Because of this, her Ladyship
Is floundering again
And you thought you had problems

Moving up to Windows 10

Jul 2, 2015

CH CH CH Changes

Every day the world is changing
In some ways quite hard to notice
Which has not a thin to do with
Who’s the POTUS or the SCOTUS

From the levels of the oceans
To the heights of mountain ranges
For a hundred million seasons
And a thousand climate changes

From the way the birds are singing
To the way the corn is growing
Either shockingly or subtly
Without you even knowing

So it shouldn’t be surprising
And you shouldn’t think it strange
That today’s a little dif’rent
And there’s been a little change

Take a look at ancient history
OH, the Romans were so clever
Sure they had a good thing going
But it couldn’t last forever

And those British noble families
Living in their Downton Abbeys
Now the Lord and Lady Grantham
Are both thriving UBER cabbies 

Neither party has a patent
On the House or on the Senate
And the Cavs will do it next time
And the Tribe can win the pennant

So the point this poet’s making
At a speed that’s somewhat numbing
Change is happening around us
And we need to see it coming

And the statues that should guide us
Both the spirit and the letter
State that every generation
Must make sure it’s for the better

So commit to make the difference
You millennials and geezers
You don’t really want to end up
Like the Lakers or the Caesars.

Apr 17, 2015


Run Joe Run
Our country’s favorite son
The nation needs your leadership
Run Joe Run

The also-rans have all begun assembling their staffs
We love our crazy uncle and we sure could use some laughs
And what’s a campaign season without attitude and gaffs
So tell us you’re a candidate before the day is done
Your countrymen are calling for you
Run Joe Run

Run Joe Run
Without you it’s no fun
Say it with me everybody
Run Joe Run

Just think of the attention your announcing it will bring
And at the very moment that your hat goes in the ring
It’s the Alleluia Chorus every talk show host will sing
That’s why you must announce before the setting of the sun
Now much more than ever baby
Run Joe Run

Run Joe Run
Our country’s favorite son
Your countrymen are calling for you
Run Joe Run

You’ve got the greatest resume the country’s ever seen
You’re liberal, you’re tolerant, experienced and green
And like the man you serve, you’re both articulate and clean
So say it like you mean it and the victory is won
You owe it to the party faithful
Run Joe Run

For far too long you’ve been the man that’s stuck in second place
You’ve handled the position with such discipline and grace
And don’t you want to see the look on Mrs. Clinton’s face?
So telephone the media and tell them you’re the one
Say it with me everybody
Run Joe Run

Run Joe Run
You old son of a gun
It’s not the same without you, Joey
Run Joe Run

Mar 6, 2015

How to Get Away With....

It’s happening all over
Just like you remember when
The vast right wing conspiracy
Is on the move again

They’ve got their pitchforks sharpened
And their banners all unfurled
To see if they can stop
The smartest woman in the world

Their motives may be many
But their tactics are revealing
They just don’t want a woman
Crashing through that Crystal Ceiling

The campaign clouds have gathered
And when it pours, it’s rainin’
So now it seems for certain
She’ll have to do some ‘splainin’

I’ve done my best to save her from
Conservative abuses
By working out and offering
Some plausible excuses

She could just come out swinging
But not with crude or crass words
“I would have used department mail
But couldn’t recall my passwords”
She could play contrite and thoughtful
If she wants another take
“Yes, I’m sorry that this happened,
But what difference does it make.”

At last I think I’ve figured out
Her most effective play
If I were Mrs. Clinton
Then here’s what I would say.

"The subjects were so sensitive
I couldn’t take a chance
I had a secret server built
In Sandy Berger’s pants.”

So there’s a few excuses
And there could be many more
Or I guess that she could use
A few that she has used before.

Feb 27, 2015

Rules from Radicals

I woke up in the morning
And I felt like eggs
Laid by California chickens
Who can stretch their legs

Eggs sold in California
Now are more expensive
‘Cause chicken regulations here
Are more extensive

And if I want to scramble here or poach or fry here
There’s restrictions on the kind of eggs that I can buy here
When I paid the price they wanted
For my egg repast
Covered California called
And told me, “Not so fast!”

Eggs are not the type of protein
That our guideline states
And if you eat that omelet
Then we’ll raise your rates

Well, that kinda’ irritated me
The truth be told
So I called my representative
Got put on hold

Those geniuses in Congress
They could use some scolding
I called him up on Monday
But I’m still here holding
That kind of petty tyranny’s a
Downward spiral
So I thought I’d make a video
And take it viral

I knew that on the internet
I’d find some love
But the only sites that loaded
Ended with “dot-gov”

And I learned that every video
Or poem I post
Was subject to approval
By a licensed host

Then I woke up from my nightmare
And was filled with sorrow
For everything I dreamed
Is coming true tomorrow.
This final little couplet mirrors my frustration.
The bigger the government, the smaller the nation.

Feb 13, 2015

2Poems 2Day

Pep Talk
It just won’t fit inside my brain.
Who goes to war to just contain?
It’s such an old familiar song.
Let’s move on in; but not for long
Let’s go and give this thing a shot
And give it half of what we’ve got
Strategies that I’ve devised are cooler now, and hipper
So follow me, America
Let’s tie one for the Gipper
The Language of Flowers
Once a year, like clockwork
For 24 Sweet Hours
The whole world speaks one language
They say it all with flowers
So as the florists flutter
From house to house with greening
Allow me to explain to you
That each bouquet has meaning
Knowledge of this language
And related floracopeia
Can bring discerning gentlemen
The nearer to utopia
The messages are subtle
But men must all take notice
If you send her red roses
And she sends back a lotus
Red roses stand for passion
Enduring through futurity
Alas, the lovely lotus stands
For chastity and purity
So if you bring her roses
And she a lotus brings
Be ready with a sunflower
Which stands for higher things
Embrace a vase of pansies
If her pure heart is hard
And send her back some daffodils
To show a warm regard
With luck you might impress her
And melt away her coldness
She’ll send you a Delphinium
A metaphor for boldness
You reply with ivy
Which shows you’re on the level
As ivy stands for faithfulness
You clever little devil.
So why not pop the question
And start the celebration
The bride will have forget-me-nots
And I’ll wear a carnation

Feb 5, 2015

The More You Know

I’ve always been so grateful
To the folks at NBC
They’ve done the best they can
To make a better man of me

They told me to eat vegetables
And how to raise my kids
With strategies to help avoid
The plague and AIDS and SIDS

They told me not to bully
And what exercise to try
To think before I texted
And what pick-up truck to buy

They said, about opinions
None are better, none are worse
Provided that my own
Were all sufficiently diverse

I listened to them faithfully
And did what they were urgin’
Including, by example,
How to pick a plastic surgeon

You just can’t watch those promos
Without notice or acknowledgin’
That what these folks are expert in
Are Botox, tucks, and collagen
The Emmys and the Peabody
They put up on their shelves
Proves that they’re correct—
In how they feel about themselves

Those know-it-alls at NBC
They’re really awful nice
And so I think it’s my turn now
To offer good advice

Here’s a little lesson
I think all of them should try
The truth, in every circumstance,
Is better than a lie

Please add that to the archive
‘Cause it’s clear, the more you know
The healthier your life will be...
Your friend, Tarzana Joe

Jan 30, 2015

Unboxing Poetry with Tarzana Joe


Poem 529

Every year, the Beltway crowd
All get a little thrill
As they take the White House budget
On its journey to The Hill
You’ll hear familiar phrases like,
“Well, this will never fly.”
While others, with annoyance say,
“The ink’s not even dry.”
The most familiar phrasing?
According to the vets here
The folks who say, “That’s D.O.A.”
Before it even gets here!”

But what we saw this week
Is really quite unprecedented
The people rose in outrage
And the President relented.

Tax exempted savings
Which the government still backs
Would, when you took the money out
Be subject to a tax.

The money was for college kids
So folks like us could school them
But trying to explain it
Even Gruber couldn’t fool them

The reason that the White House
Says they made the quick redaction?
The rule was controversial
And they didn’t want the distraction

Some were just astounded
You could hear them gasp and golly
While others see this back down
As a footnote to the folly
But scouts are sent ahead
To see the way the tracks get laid
That’s why the world needs poets
And the big bucks we get paid

I see a stand for common sense
And this is what we learned
Hill 529 will be the mountain
Where momentum turned

The people now are up in arms
Let’s keep them on the run
In just this magic moment
The revolution has begun!

Jan 26, 2015

Say it Ain't So

News Flash!  The cast of Downton Abbey wins the SAG Award for best acting.  Howzat?  The announcement was made the same night History Channel debuted “Sons of Liberty” which is all about taxation without representation.  Well, I’ve got news for you SAG members.  Your tax dollars are going to pay for the salaries of the non-SAG actors, writers, directors and crew of Downton.  What?  Do you think that the UK’s Carnival Film and Television lets PBS broadcast it for free? 

 This has outraged me for years.  Every dollar of the PBS budget should be spent on American production in America.   But my dear SAG members, not only do they take your tax dollars to pay UK talent, every evening they ask you to donate more.  Hugh Bonneville gets a job and you get a tote bag.

And one more thing…”Sons of Liberty” was made in Romania.

Jan 23, 2015

SOTU; A Perspective

I tuned in the speech
And I listened intently
To see how the country
Had changed, fundamentally

 I read all the papers
And watch all the news
I’m pretty well versed
On the facts and my views

But after I heard
What the President said
I learned, to my shame
I’ve been terribly led

My Tea Party friends
Are deceived or deluded
The POTUS has spoken
And so I concluded

To get with the plan
I spent most of the night
Doing the homework
To get my head right.

To open the door
And to turn a new leaf
And so I can say
It is now my belief

That the world is at peace
But the climate’s a crisis
A heat wave in June
Is more trouble than Isis

Selma is better than
12 Years a Slave
Snipers are cowards
But drone-ers are brave

Our plan for Iran
Is productive and clever
And such a success
Talks may go on forever

The deal with Fidel
Was the best we could get
Our friendship with Russia
Is being re-set

We’ve got a great team
And a marvelous bench
And now everyone knows
That John Kerry speaks French

Thanks to the law
We’re all happy and healthy
Let's go for a ride
On the backs of the wealthy

As for 529’s
Well, the government backs them
But when you withdraw
Then we’re going to tax them

He’s willing to hear
What the House is proposing
His office is open
But Gitmo is closing

It’s no never-mind
We’re the world’s biggest debtor

Thanks for the speech
Now I feel so much better

Jan 17, 2015

State of the Union - A reply

Following is my humble suggestion for how Joni Ernst should begin her reply to President Obama's State of the Union speech.

On behalf of the Republican Party, I want to thank you, my fellow Americans, for voting this November and for voting to give our party majorities in both the House and Senate.  We thank you for the victories but more importantly we thank you for the trust that you have placed in our policies and our ability to see them through. 

The most important opinion on the state of the union is not the President’s.  It isn’t even mine.  It is yours.  And you have made that opinion very clear.

You do not want a health insurance system that is even more complicated and less responsive than it was before.  You don’t want an immigration system that punishes the lawful and rewards the lawless.  You don’t want to see more and more people leave the job market and hear the administration call that an accomplishment. 

You want a government that won’t try to deceive or mislead you because the consultants and the czars in Washington think you don’t know what’s best for you.  You want to work and travel with the confidence that our country is secure from those who would do us harm.  You want to know that our military is properly equipped and responsibly deployed.  And when an American is wounded, you want to see that soldier receive respect and the highest level of care.

Sadly, in the last six years, you saw things happen in this country and in Washington that made you decide you wanted to go in another direction.  So let me tell you how we think we can all get there…

Jan 14, 2015

A Preview of this Week's Poem

Welcome to our world
Dear Harvard Professors
You now have to choose
Of two evils,
The lessers

Ignore all the facts
And keep singing your song
Or step up to the mike
And admit you were wrong

You wrote, at the time
That high costs should be shared
But hoped, way back when
That somehow you’d be spared

I know what you’re thinking
You don’t have to say it
A tax is regressive
If you have to pay it

But sorry to tell you
Ye Brahmins and solons
You’ll now pay for tests
Of your breasts and your colons

And when we have finished
Examining those
For everything else
May you pay through the nose.

Jan 9, 2015

Rough Week

The week started out with Harvard professors complaining about their ineluctable deductibles so I wrote a poem about that.  Then there was the horror in Paris so I thought I couldn't go on the air with a funny poem.  I wrote a poem about that.  Then there was a voice (or maybe voices) that said the cartoonists brought this on themselves by provoking the terrorists.  Well, every self-respecting, world-respecting weekly radio poet has to write a poem about that.  And in the midst of all this, our President announces a major policy goal.  Really?

Well, I first wrote a poem about Harvard
When suddenly just before noon
The poem that I wrote about health care
Was now all about a cartoon

I wrote a poem about murder
And then at a quarter to ten
I was told to re-think my position
So I went back and wrote it again

I was warned if my words drew reprisals
And then tragedy out of them came
When the moral result was considered
Then people like me were to blame

I was cowed by this cold admonition
More than I want to acknowledge
So I went back and crafted a sonnet
Making fun of community college

“How dare you!” the faculty shouted
They condemned every word that I spoke
“Take it easy, professor,” I answered
“After all, it was only a joke.”

But the pitchforks and torches were flaming
And the outcry was angry and fierce
“I’m sorry if I have offended…
And a lot of my friends go to Pierce.”

But their shouts were still shrill and insistent
Somewhat muffled behind their bandana
They hollered that I was elitist
And suggested that I leave Tarzana

Now, I’m no fan of hot confrontations
Tell the truth, I’m a bit of a bleeder
So I scribbled the poem I just read you
Which I wrote hiding out in Reseda

It’s been a tough week for a poet
Or a spokesmen who’s part opportunist
And a terrible week for the planet
But it’s worse if you were a cartoonist.