Jun 27, 2014

The Ballad of Big Thunder Mountain (And Duane)

I'll tell you a tale of a man and a town
And the town's tale I'm telling you first
But it don't matter much
Cause to tell you the truth
Both the man and the town have been cursed

It's a great thing to live
Amongst people who give
Of corruption, there wasn't a smidge
And the town got its name
From an afternoon rain
So they called the old place Rainbow Ridge

Then someone said, "Gold!"
As the story is told
And the people by riches were blinded
Then they dug and they poked
But the spirits they woke-ed
Were upset and malevolent-minded

Well, it may have been greed
But they didn't take heed
And the taste of the hooch they were swiggin'
Made 'em go in too deep
And they started to weep
Stuck down in that hole they were diggin'

Well, they never returned
And you'd think we'd have learned
But gold has a hold over men
There are those who take pride
Out of takin' that ride
And they do it again and again

There was one, name of Duane
Who kept taking that train
Said he didn't give a darn about curses
Now, I know it's quite late
So I'll sum up his fate
Right here in a couple of verses

For the sake of these rhymes
Over 100 times
He defied every ghoul and each ghost
It’s a common mistake
Trying records to break
Which he does at behest of the host
Scared half out of his wits
Finally Duane called it quits
Though his teeth are now quite a bit looser
If he hadn’t said, “Whoa!”
Then the Hugh Hewitt Show
Would have had to go find a Producer.

Jun 20, 2014

Lies and Lessons

The lies we’ve heard
This year, to date
Are multiple and myriad
There’s not a grain of truth
In any sentence, phrase or period

The climate’s warming faster
And the atmosphere is hot
Except that every measurement
Suggests that they are not

Bureaucrats get bonuses
While vets are losing sleep
Waiting for appointments
With the doctors they can’t keep

The summer’s put on hold
With every regulation set
For coal is quarantined
As is the bar-b-q brick-ette

It’s hard to know for certain
When it all becomes a fog
But hard drives were recycled
And the homework ate my dog

Congressional committees
Have shown patience and restraint
The Fifth Amendment’s sacred
If the First Amendment ain’t

And every morning brings
The same old questions from reporters
What terrorists?  What scandals?
What immigrants?  What borders?

But now we face a crisis
Neither hyped nor overstated
Terror’s on the march again
And that can’t be debated

The planet’s made of granite
But even stone can break
Lives are in the balance
And there must be no mistake

The buck stops at White House
Where from a crowd of voices
The President alone is left
With nothing but hard choices

And though it seems instinctive
That we find some way to thwart him
This time I'd like to find a way
To rally and support him

OF all the League of Nations
Only one is a deterrent
That Truth is often painful
I’d be lying, if it weren’t

Retro Poem of the Week - The Fence

Congresspersons, gals and guys
Exalt the art of compromise
They sit, they talk, they schmooze, they chat.
You give me this. I’ll give you that
And usually what they intended.
Comes out horribly amended.

I have it from the best advisers
That stars weren’t built by compromisers
And though I know that in my heart
I’ve decided now to do my part
For on the issues of the border
A compromise must be in order
So let the give and take commence

Take what you want
Just give us the fence

Take amnesty for all transgressions
Take all our worldly possessions
Use parchment for your documents
Just give us the fence

Take the Yankees to Mexico City
Take the entire Senate Judiciary Committee
We bow to your omnipotence
Just give us the fence

Take every “mench” and every “schnorrer”
Take Michael Chertoff’s hair restorer
Take every Pez we can dispense
Just give us the fence

We’ll give up sections of Ohio
And celebrate Cinco de Mayo
Capitulate, for all intents
Just give us the fence

Take all our cheese
From Brie to Stilton
Take Paris, France, Take Paris Hilton
Take everything and take it hence
Just give us the fence

Take both the tiny and immense
Just give us the fence
Take both the passive and intense
Just give us the fence
Take both the fluffy and the dense
Just give us the fence

Take heart, take flight or even umbrage
Free yourself from all encumbrage
What do we ask for recompense?
Just give us the fence!