Feb 27, 2015

Rules from Radicals

I woke up in the morning
And I felt like eggs
Laid by California chickens
Who can stretch their legs

Eggs sold in California
Now are more expensive
‘Cause chicken regulations here
Are more extensive

And if I want to scramble here or poach or fry here
There’s restrictions on the kind of eggs that I can buy here
When I paid the price they wanted
For my egg repast
Covered California called
And told me, “Not so fast!”

Eggs are not the type of protein
That our guideline states
And if you eat that omelet
Then we’ll raise your rates

Well, that kinda’ irritated me
The truth be told
So I called my representative
Got put on hold

Those geniuses in Congress
They could use some scolding
I called him up on Monday
But I’m still here holding
That kind of petty tyranny’s a
Downward spiral
So I thought I’d make a video
And take it viral

I knew that on the internet
I’d find some love
But the only sites that loaded
Ended with “dot-gov”

And I learned that every video
Or poem I post
Was subject to approval
By a licensed host

Then I woke up from my nightmare
And was filled with sorrow
For everything I dreamed
Is coming true tomorrow.
This final little couplet mirrors my frustration.
The bigger the government, the smaller the nation.

Feb 13, 2015

2Poems 2Day

Pep Talk
It just won’t fit inside my brain.
Who goes to war to just contain?
It’s such an old familiar song.
Let’s move on in; but not for long
Let’s go and give this thing a shot
And give it half of what we’ve got
Strategies that I’ve devised are cooler now, and hipper
So follow me, America
Let’s tie one for the Gipper
The Language of Flowers
Once a year, like clockwork
For 24 Sweet Hours
The whole world speaks one language
They say it all with flowers
So as the florists flutter
From house to house with greening
Allow me to explain to you
That each bouquet has meaning
Knowledge of this language
And related floracopeia
Can bring discerning gentlemen
The nearer to utopia
The messages are subtle
But men must all take notice
If you send her red roses
And she sends back a lotus
Red roses stand for passion
Enduring through futurity
Alas, the lovely lotus stands
For chastity and purity
So if you bring her roses
And she a lotus brings
Be ready with a sunflower
Which stands for higher things
Embrace a vase of pansies
If her pure heart is hard
And send her back some daffodils
To show a warm regard
With luck you might impress her
And melt away her coldness
She’ll send you a Delphinium
A metaphor for boldness
You reply with ivy
Which shows you’re on the level
As ivy stands for faithfulness
You clever little devil.
So why not pop the question
And start the celebration
The bride will have forget-me-nots
And I’ll wear a carnation

Feb 5, 2015

The More You Know

I’ve always been so grateful
To the folks at NBC
They’ve done the best they can
To make a better man of me

They told me to eat vegetables
And how to raise my kids
With strategies to help avoid
The plague and AIDS and SIDS

They told me not to bully
And what exercise to try
To think before I texted
And what pick-up truck to buy

They said, about opinions
None are better, none are worse
Provided that my own
Were all sufficiently diverse

I listened to them faithfully
And did what they were urgin’
Including, by example,
How to pick a plastic surgeon

You just can’t watch those promos
Without notice or acknowledgin’
That what these folks are expert in
Are Botox, tucks, and collagen
The Emmys and the Peabody
They put up on their shelves
Proves that they’re correct—
In how they feel about themselves

Those know-it-alls at NBC
They’re really awful nice
And so I think it’s my turn now
To offer good advice

Here’s a little lesson
I think all of them should try
The truth, in every circumstance,
Is better than a lie

Please add that to the archive
‘Cause it’s clear, the more you know
The healthier your life will be...
Your friend, Tarzana Joe