Dec 29, 2011

Happy New Year

New Year 2012

I think you folks will all concur
The year gone by has been a blur
It seems October pumpkins still
Are resting on my window sill
For time, I’m certain has been bended
I swear, last week, the summer ended
I went and met my kids new teachers
And Pujols hit one in the bleachers
My savings hadn’t been depleted
The Cleveland Browns were undefeated
Herman Cain was all the buzz
And Corzine knew where his money was

Another 12 months have been squandered
As if I, through a wormhole, wandered
And so I feel I must make haste
Or put another week to waste
For I have now but one directive
To pen a rhyming retrospective
Then close by hoping for our host
And listeners from coast to coast
That fate and fortune might conspire
To give you all the you desire
And when the champagne corks are popped
After the crystal ball has dropped

I pray for you by all that’s holy
That time may pass a bit more slowly

So taste the feast and sip the wine
But save a glass for Auld Lang Syne

Dec 9, 2011

Is this any way to pick a candidate?

Some folks think that we’re heading down
A freeway to disaster
Under the direction of
Some evil puppetmaster

A hidden hand that seeks to break
All bound’ries and each border
Inexorably establishing
Some creepy new world order

These folks conclude we’re powerless
To thwart what it devises
And see the hidden hand behind
Their candidates’ demises

For those who shout , “Conspiracy”
I pose to you this query…
How can you see a master plan
Where I see chaos theory?

A candidate soars in the polls
Then blunders, gaffes and stumbles
A lead thought insurmountable
Within a weekend crumbles

A war chest grows from day to day
Deposit on deposit
And then some half-dressed skeleton
Emerges from the closet

Now some expect the outcome
Of these regular upheavals
Will find the process elevates
The lesser of two evils

While others see a savior
Snowmobiling to the rescue
A governor who’s currently
Out hiding in the fescue

It’s possible the outcome
When we gather in convention
Will be a politician
The Great Mentioner didn’t mention

But all this won’t deter us
From our main objective, Shall it?
We’re sure to have a winner
By the 37th ballot

Nov 18, 2011

A Psalm for the Psuper Committee

When I was young
I had this thing
I thought that compromise was king

And I would go
That extra mile
To, meet, retreat or reconcile

I didn’t live life the wheat from chaff way
I’d meet the other
Fellow half way

But now I sing
A dif’rent song
A thing is right or it’s plain wrong

And so I stand
To meet this fight
For raising taxes just ain’t right

For truth is truth
And facts is facts
A dead deduction
Is a tax

They say
When there’s so much at stake
There oughta be some give and take

But then when times
Get worse that rough
They’ll say we didn’t give near enough

And things wouldn’t be
So bleak and dire
If we’d let them raise taxes higher

We’d better be
As hard as nails
Or woe betide us when it fails

Don’t make a deal
You’ll soon regret
Take a stand and get a set

For virtue ends
And freedom dies
When good men start to compromise

Nov 10, 2011

Veteran’s Day 2011

When you stand to pledge allegiance
When you hit your knees to pray
For our past and for the future
Thank a veteran today

With a feeling deep inside you
With the flag that you display
With respect and admiration
Thank a veteran today

We all know that Freedom’s precious

But there is a price to pay
For the ones who pick the tab up
Thank a veteran today

When calamity approaches
They are there to bar the way
For the safety that surrounds you
Thank a veteran today

For the peace within our borders
For a place the kids can play
For the things we take for granted
Thank a veteran today

For the families behind them
For the soldiers far away
Find a way to make a difference
Thank a veteran today

If you hear someone insult them
Don’t ignore the things they say
Let them know that you’ve got their back
Thank a veteran today

From the mountains of New Hampshire
To the sands of Santa Fe
Let them know how much we love them
Thank a veteran today

Nov 4, 2011

A Poem of Scandals

As sure as rain’s in Spain
And there’s some wind in them thar willows
I know we’re going to learn
Each politician’s peccadilloes

The papers and the blogs contend
To post the morning’s stunner
All aimed at undermining
Who’s perceived as the front-runner

It happens every year
Just as the days succeed the dawns
To make it to the end
You’d better know who mows your lawns

I’ll give you sound advice
Just as once Joseph gave to Pharaoh
Never eat a salad
That was picked by a Brasero

If someone that you work with
Seems particularly charming
Think about a new career
Like poetry or farming

The polls will keep ascending
Until you reach a lofty perch
Provided you ignore the things
Your pastor says in church

Perhaps we should pick candidates
By Natural Selection
And wait a million years till
One evolves to reach perfection

I know to be despairing
Is considered quite a sin
But I can’t help obsessing
On the things that might have been

If only Gov’ner Christie
Had been just a little smaller
If only Herman’s wife had been
Well…just a little taller.

Oct 28, 2011

Tarzana Rant

They say,” To the victor belongs the spoils”
But I say, to the spoiled belongs the victory!"

They put stuff in our cigarettes to make us smoke

They put flesh on the internet to waste our time

They put flavor in our food to make us hungry

But we’re on to them now

Together we have seen the light
Together we have seen the truth
Together we will make the future
As we chant our beloved mantra

“It’s not our fault!”

And if we say it long enough ,we will believe it.

And we will be saved

We grew up crying
And we cried until we got what we wanted
And if we cry loud enough, the government will give us what we want
For we will be the government
And we will give the government our taxes
And we will give the government our guns
And all the guns and all the taxes will be ours
For we are the government
And everything we need will be in grabbing distance then
(to quote Denver’s most famous poet)

We will turn our back on war
We will turn our back on famine
We will turn our back on disease
And because we don’t see them, they will not exist

And we will finally have the resources to live in a city with a sufficient number of public restrooms, somewhat emptied by low-flow toilets, dimly lit by compact flourescents, moderately warmed by non-fossil fuels, and barely nourished by exclusively organic crops

Ignorance is the active ingredient in Socialism

Sep 28, 2011


Despite the constant chorus of
Small business protestations
Everyone in Washington
Is making regulations

On everything from lightbulbs
To bovine flatulations

Our SUVs are way too big
Our thermostats too high
They legislate and regulate
And we all must comply

They monitor our movements
Our e-mails and our text
I hesitate to speculate
On what they’ll tackle next

Before they put restrictions on
Our toe jam, sweat and phlegm
I think we ought to drop a few
Decrees on top of them

No costly perks
No perky clerks
No overdrafts, no franking
And if you tweet your private parts
You get a public spanking

No quoting your opponent
Unless they really said it
No voting on a brand new bill
Unless you really read it

No feeding at the public trough
From now until futurity
Your Pension Plan, I hereby ban
Enjoy Social Security

No island-hopping missions
With trading delegations
Where nothing is accomplished
And seem like paid vacations

Your fawning staff
We cut in half
And please don’t think me callous
You’ll still get your prescription plan
But just not your Ciallis

For those who think my edicts
Deserve disdain and slander
Remember when your goose is cooked
It’s time to stuff the gander

A Religious Test

I stand upon a perfect sphere
And gaze at the horizon
With nothing there to mar my view
Not building, bridge, or bison

I know there must be more
And I am sure you will agree
Beyond the smallish segment
Of this sphere that I can see

Then someone comes along
And asks me if I’ll take a pledge
That I know for a fact
Exactly what’s beyond the edge

I hesitate a moment
Then I softly say a prayer
And confidently state that I am certain
Something’s there.

Though what lies out there beyond
I never saw or laid a hand on
I know that it exists
For it completes the sphere I stand on

Each Sunday afternoon
I dedicate…about an hour
To a humble meditation
On this world’s transcendent power

I listen with attention
To the parson, priest or preacher
Reflect upon a man whose closest friends
Called him, “The Teacher”

I’ll attend with dedication
For as long as my knees bend
To get closer to the truths
That I may never comprehend

To understand a person’s soul
And measure them thereby
Never ask WHAT they believe
Rather, ask them WHY

Sep 9, 2011

Poems from the 9/11 Broadcast

The following poem about people who serve in the armed forces during Peacetime was a collaboration among the listeners to Hugh Hewitt's show who submitted bits of verse and personal stories. As Tarzana Joe, I tried to tie their reflections together. We did the project poem in August of 2011. Peacetime was about to end.

It can still happen as before
The threats may wane but never cease
Should we be sure in time of war
So they must serve in time of peace
For peace is such a fragile place
And such an easy thing to lose
A flash of lightning in the sky
A whispered rumor in the news

So who are these who volunteer?
Who give a day and then a year?
And then their lives by their own choices
Let us listen to their voices

We hump the boonies clad in green
We grunts who keep our honor clean
We stand in line; we do a job
We take our place for the good old mob

I signed up when I was 20 but knew it when I was ten
I wanted to be a soldier and serve like the fighting men
My father used to mention when he spoke in that certain way
And broke out the old mementos, on the 4th weekend in May

I was sent there to watch the ballots
On a cloudless, stifling morn
I was there at the birth of a nation
I was not when my son was born

I lost a dozen friendships; it was something I couldn’t explain
Why would a woman want to and what would a woman gain?

I have no foe to conquer but I’m keeping my rifle clean
I polish the brass and buckles and fight off the old routine
I don’t see the rocket’s glaring or the dawn’s revealing light
I just stand at my post and whisper, “Not here, Lord. And not tonight.”

I was on the plane that faltered
On a deck in a pitching sea
The printed my yearbook picture
Yes, America, that was me

They had no though of glory won
Just duty seen and duty done
The souls who serve in Peacetime
Is there a spot where I may sit?
A place where candles can be lit
To those that die in Peacetime
There is no monument it seems
For those who lose their breath and dreams
The souls we mourn in Peacetime
They’ve given more than their fair share
We offer them this simple prayer
God grant them Peacetime

By Tarzana Joe and the Hugh Hewitt audience

4 Questions
By Tarzana Joe
Spring will never come again
No April without pain
Each April the Emancipator's

Brothers, will there ever
Be a seven in December
When our sons will not
Remember? Remember?

November never passes
Unless I shed a tear
Year after Year after Year

And never in September
Will I look into the sky
Without asking the question
Why? Why? Why? Why?

Jun 26, 2011

Spoonerism Poem

Allow me to tell you a foly hable

The story of brothers, Ain and Cable

Now Cable lived life serene and mellow

But Ain was an angry and fealous jello

Ain wanted everything Even Steven

Just like their parents Ad and Even

But Cable had things a bittle letter

While Ain stitched up fig leaves, he swit a netter

Soon Cable’s slood ran in the boil

Ain shuffled him off this cortal moil

Now just as the next day had begun

God cried out for his savorite fon

In the sinning of man, God was well versed

He sought out Ain, but he weared the forst

“God, why do you think that Cable’s dead?

For all you know, he’s Bill in sted

“You know that Cable’s a heavy sleeper

And what am I anyway, my kother’s beeper?”

God put Ain out of the Arden of Geden

Despite the brother’s cries and pleadin’

Now here is the moral and hear it plain

Do nothing to merit the Cark of Main

Remember your lessons from Sunday School

And always live life by the Rolled in Ghoul

Jun 17, 2011

A Ban on Bans

Our overreaching nannies
Are sitting on their fannies
Hatching clever plans
And plotting lots more bans

It sets their hearts a’flutter
To banish guns and butter
So like Savonarola
They’ve come for Coca Cola

And in their righteous zeal
With joy they can’t conceal
Say, “ If we can we should
It’s all for your own good

They’ve stripped the glue from stamps
And incandescent lamps
Which changed the world like fire
Are now like a pariah

If San Francisco Councilpersons get their wish
Aquariums in town will be bereft of fish
Now in their wildest dreams even the reddest commies
Never saw the need to confiscate Gouramies

Bloomberg and his ilk
Might seek to outlaw silk
For in the clearest terms
It’s unfair to the worms

Well, friends I’ve had my fill
I’m drawing up a bill
With an attached exhibit
Of stuff we must prohibit

Stickers on our fruit
And Congressmen who toot
The colleagues who defend them
I know just where to send them

If it were up to me
Reality TV
I’d banish and consign
To some abandoned mine

Those loud and vulgar ladies
I’d send the straight to Hades
And stack on distant shelves
All shows where people weigh themselves

From now till I’m departed
My friends I’ve only started
I’ll make it my life’s mission
To outlaw…prohibition

Jun 4, 2011

I Wish I was a Congressman in D.C.

I want to be a Congressman
I want to oh so bad
I hear it is the best job
Any person ever had

I will be so focused
I’ll start right now, today
Assembling credentials
To fill out my resume

And this will be the method
That daily I pursue
I’ll do the very things that I’ve heard
Congresspersons do

I’ll make a lot of money first
But won’t pay any taxes
And then I’ll take some photos
Where I’m not wearing my slacks-es

I’ll obfuscate and prattle
To hide my true beliefs
But let the country know
If I wear boxer shorts or briefs

I’ll write some regulations
And say that I’m all for ‘em
But in my private life
You know that I’ll ignore ‘em

I’ll get myself a roommate
A fine upstanding fellow
Then let him use my condo
To run a nice bordello

I’ll live the Life of Reilly
Just like a little Caesar
And if I’m short on money
I’ll just reach into my freezer.

I want to be a Congressman
I want to oh so bad
I hear it is the best job
Any person ever had

May 27, 2011

Memorial Saturday on Wilshire Blvd

The scouts arrive at 7
A simple ceremony
Shorter than you expect it to be
The flags are given out
And each scout finds his line of stones

Press the flag into the ground
Read out the name on the marker

86 thousand times in the morning
86 thousand times

As if a rich spring rain has brought the flowers out
Old glory blossoms everywhere at once

And next year, they will return at 7
The time between has passed as if we only slept the night

And boys are men
Coming here again
To have their names read out
Saluted by a scout

May 6, 2011


Those with sensitivity
Have been a bit alarmed
And feel restraint’s required
If someone is unarmed

Perhaps the legendary DUKE
Depicted it the best
“Fair is Fair” and “Face to Face”
The Code that Won the West

So that the cause of Justice
Endures and stays unharmed
I’d like to give a tribute
To those who died unarmed

The stewardess
The passenger
The child in her embrace
Who didn’t know the enemy
Or wrong him face to face

The fireman
The file clerk
The guy from out of town
Who couldn’t plead for mercy
Before the walls came down

We stand with all the innocents
Wherever they may be
And praise the strength and justice of
United 93

I don’t know every nuance
Within our Constitution
I don’t know where they’re written
The Laws of Retribution

But when the scales of Justice tilt
And need a little fix
To put them back in balance
Just call on Seal Team Six

Apr 22, 2011

Holy Thursday

I am sitting at the table
Waiting for dinner to be served
It’s a big traditional spread
Someone brings out bread
It looks good but I’m told to wait for the blessing

It’s been a great week.
The crowds were big and steady
Why can’t we eat, already?

We’re all here but we’re waiting for Him
And no one seems to know the hour He’s coming

Wine is poured; but again, I’m told to wait for the blessing

Then He comes in; He says a prayer and finally we eat
(Someone says something about feet.)

Everyone is talking and having a good time
Until He says, Tonight, I will be betrayed by one of you.”

And suddenly, I am certain that he is talking about me.

-Tarzana Joe Easter 2011

Apr 15, 2011

Everything you Know

You’ve often heard me sing this song
But everything you know is wrong
So folks,
Be sure your surgeon is a seventh day Adventist
And if a friend gives you a horse
First take it to the dentist

Roses aren’t really red
And cows are never holy
If life hands you some lemons
Why not make some guacamole

And while we all may criticize
We never should condemn
These folks that run our Congress
Who spell BILLION with an “M”

For what you fail to realize
You poorly laundered masses
Is what is simply obvious
To all the ruling classes

Your government may clearly be
The world’s most willing debtor
But send them more of what you make
‘cause they can spend it better

Just so you’ll understand it
Let me further your instruction
What once was called a tax increase
Is now spending reduction

They learned from California
How to do just what they please
Where they can’t raise your taxes
So the simply call them fees

For years these guys have studied
And are brilliantly inventive
A surcharge is no penalty
Consider it incentive

So when you nod each morning
Or you rise and shine each night
Everything you know is wrong
And what is wrong –it right.

Mar 18, 2011

President 44, Where are you?

The Blimp of State’s been punctured
We all can hear it hissing
We need someone to guide us
But the President is missing.

He’s filling out his brackets
And planning his vacations
And counting on the good advice
Of those United Nations
It’s clear that he’s committed to
Atrocity abatement
T o show that he means business
He’s issued a strong statement
The forces are converging
And coming to a crunch
Just when the world could use him
The guy is out to lunch
All across the desert
They’re dying in the sand
Can those guys up in Oslo
Call back their hundred grand?

Economies are tumbling
The workers are enraged
The fellow in the White House
Is otherwise engaged
Governors are calling
They’re cutting to the bone
The President is indisposed
And can’t come to the phone
The crowd is growing restless
And daily getting louder
We’re looking for our leader
But I think he took a powder

Is this the job you wanted?
Then step into the fray
Or did you only run
So you could pad your resume?
The darling North Koreans
Abandoned their disarming
The Fed is printing money
At a rate that is alarming
The price of gas is surging
There’s trouble at the border
Can someone who’s in charge
Get their priorities in order?

Feb 4, 2011


Among the best and deepest urges
That in the human spirit surges
That we declare come each July
Is called the sound of Freedom’s cry

And if that urge is long suppressed
If grievances are unaddressed
Eventually it overheats
And spills into the squares and streets

Around the globe, the rumbles thunder
Hidden from the thumbs they’re under
Secret and beyond the light
Till finally, the moment’s right

When suddenly, the crowd assembles
And in his castle, Herod trembles
Like any tyrant that existed
Sensing what can’t be resisted

And those who’ve tasted freedom’s flavor
Watch, and every moment savor
Mindful of the lives now lost
Well aware of Freedom’s cost

What moment makes the masses follow?
Rejecting what they once would swallow
Why are they now with courage fitted
Rebelling, when they once submitted?

Could it be what spurred these labors
Was Democracy among their neighbors?

Yes, I know the way is muddy
Yes, I know that battle’s bloody
Yes, I know that when this ends
No one there may call us friends

History’s full of revolutions
That lead to no long-term solutions
Where all men call each other brother
And oust one tyrant for another

The lesson’s there for all who’ll learn it
Freedom comes to those who earn it

Jan 14, 2011

A Moment of Silence, please

Following catastrophes
Of nature or of violence
It’s fitting to observe them with
A span or two of silence

For stillness is appropriate
Beyond what words convey
And silence is more eloquent
Than what I have to say

So take that slip of silence with you
Where your spirit’s stored
And spend a quiet moment
With the one you call your Lord

Give thanks for all the graces that
Are spread across your way
And ask for strength and courage
To go on another day

Before you call again upon
The speaker and the singer
Ask for the ability
To let the silence linger

Lend that silent moment
All the patience you can give
For out there in the silence
Is where the missing live

Life is full of mysteries
OF sorrows and of joys
The soul lives on in silence
The rest…is noise.

(c) 2011 Tarzana Joe