Dec 29, 2010

Happy New Year

It seems as I get older
The year end’s hurley-burlier
The days are flying faster
And New Year’s Eve comes earlier

My memory is going
My brain has clear defects
I’ve still been known to write
2009 on all my checks

The year has been a good one
Although I swear it’s shorter
The Lord has kept us working
And our heads above the war-ter

At my mound of bills my fists
I’m shaking in defiance
Thanks to the Hugh Hewitt Show
And thanks to all my clients

It’s time to make some statements
And though the rule allows
I won’t make resolutions
Instead I’ll make some vows

I’ll learn to speak a language
And learn to act my age
And once a week I promise to
Update my Facebook page

Before the sparkling vintage
Of next New Years is sipped
I’ll polish off that novel
And finish up that script

And with new motivation
My wife will greet with glee
I’ll find some way to publish the
Collected Works of me!

If we show perseverance
Our vows will all come true
So say a prayer for TJ
And I’ll say a prayer for you

Let’s toast the coming New Year
And lift that class of wine
And raise a cup of kindness
To Hugh and Auld Lang Syne

Dec 22, 2010

Christmas 2010

Let me take this opportunity
To recollect the reason
Why, from the dawn of history
We celebrate this season

In the summer and the autumn
We’ve been filling up the larder
Well aware that in the winter
Air is colder; life is harder

So we gather to recall…
No matter how the wind is blowing
Our confident belief that
Things will, once again, be growing

And we toast that understanding
With a wealth of sparkling fluids
In an annual observance
That goes right back to the Druids

So we all agree that people
Like to party when it freezes
And I understand you’re asking
What this has to do with Jesus

By the fall of Eve and Adam
God and man were coldly parted
But thru Christmas there’s a way
Back to the garden where it started

We may celebrate too early
We may celebrate too late
But we gather in the glory
Of the reason and the date

From the leaves of the poinsettia
To the trees that give us myrrh
To the garland and the holly
To the spruce and noble fir

For amidst the whitest Christmas
Sights that are the most enchanted
Are the living testimonials
Of the life that we’ve been granted

With a faith that is unshaken
From the Son who lives inside us
What the ancients only hoped for
We are sure God will provide us

So I’ll say it very plainly
Just as angels said it then
Merry Christmas to us all
Peace on Earth. Good Will to Men.

(c) 2010 Tarzana Joe

Dec 17, 2010

A Good Speech, bettered

For years it was the same old story
Our politicians, young or hoary
From every clan or category
Lacked the gift of oratory

I sure liked “W” a lot
He plainly put forth what was what
And what you saw was what you got
A great communicator? Not.

All the Courics and the Lauers
Ooohed and Aaahed and scattered flowers
At Clinton’s oratorical powers
And then he spoke for six more hours

At last the folks were keen to tune in
Amidst the markets wreck and ruinin’
To hear someone like Reagan croonin’
The words of Robinson and Noonan

So with the country so adrift
And looking for a little lift
“Give us change and make it swift”
Came one who claimed he had the gift

Between the risings and revolts
The daily drams of jars and jolts
Came language like a thousand volts
And when he finished—thunderbolts

Now two years later we have seen
What he said he didn’t mean
Plus the wit is not so keen
Unless he reads it from a screen

And so I urge him to think twice
You know we all must sacrifice
I’ll make it clear and quite concise
I offer now this good advice

Recall when Johnson thrilled the nation
The speech that earned him an ovation
Contained the famous peroration
I will not seek the nomination

(c)2010 Tarzana Joe

Dec 10, 2010

This is How I Feel Today

I thought I heard a story
While sailing on my yacht
The President’s for tax cuts
But Jim DeMint is not

Reliable Joe Biden
Whose voice the wise man heeds
Says tax rates from the George Bush years
Are what this country needs

If this is all a nightmare
Then don’t let me awaken
I feel as if I’m living in
A snow globe that’s been shaken

The news is so confusing
From print or talk or text
That I don’t have inkling
Of what might happen next

In fact it won’t surprise me
Or jar me in the least
If late tomorrow evening
The sun set in the East

I couldn’t be more astonished
I’m sure that you’d agree
To see in the Plain Dealer that
The Tribe had signed Cliff Lee

We’re all in full agreement
The situation’s heinous
Because all politicians
Revere and worship Janus

Despite the plans they’re backing
Or paths on which they’re walking
It’s never really clear out of which Orifice they’re talking

I’d never mean to be shrill Cassandra
Or a warner
It fascinates to see them all
Backed up into a corner

Those Senators and Congressmen
They thought they were so clever
But tax rates that expire
Were the worst damn ideas ever

So now we’re at an impasse
Debates that have no ending
Better bring the gavel down
It’s our dough that you’re spending

The best and all the brightest
A caucus full of smarties
A plague on both your parties

Dec 6, 2010

Not a Poem, Ted Turner

News Item: Ted Turner urges world to adopt "one-child" policy to save the planet; suggests poor couples could opt to remain childless and sell their fertility rights.

I have never been more outraged and disgusted by anything I have ever heard in my life. What if I am a poor unmarried man or woman or a person in a gay partnership. Shouldn't I be able to sell my fertility rights? Where's my cut of the "save the planet" cash? What if I represent the estate of a child, dead before puberty? Shouldn't I be able to sell the fertility rights of the estate to some rich guy who selfishly wants a second child? What's that about? What if I am born with a birth defect that renders me sterile? Why should I be discriminated against because of my disability? Where is the fairness here!?

I don't think Ted Turner has thought this out enough. First, which of his children does he plan to keep and which does he intend to sacrifice to the Mayan Jaguar Goddess? I only have one child so I'm safe but what if his generation decides to adopt a one-parent policy?

Dec 3, 2010

The Ambassador's Portfolio

There is no place to hide
Nowhere to run from life’s assailants
No matter where you go, you know
You’re subject to surveillance

Each one of us a target
Like we’re prey before the hunt
The world’s been taken over
By the sons of Allen Funt

Big Brother is a menace
Yes, a threat that’s like no other
But now we learn that someone
Has been spying on Big Brother

A fellow, quite disgruntled
Is about to be indicted
For all the secret cables
He discretely Carbonited

Because of his transgression
Trusts were broken, bridges burned
We’d better take a moment
To review the lessons learned

A word is as explosive
As a canon that’s been loaded
So if you’re going to spread the word
It better be encoded

Don’t tell what you’ve been thinking
‘Till your thoughts have been refined
No rule says that you have to
Speak all thoughts that cross your mind

Silence has great value
As discretion is a token
That the insights truly priceless
Are the ones we leave unspoken

From what seems the slightest slip up
Dire consequences loom
Say only what you’d say
With Mata Hari in the room

Lips were clearly loosened
By the brew that they were drinking
And all across the planet
Ships of State are sinking
Big Brother may be watching
But he really isn’t thinking

Nov 24, 2010

Thanksgiving 2010

While thanking God this week for all our blessings is the norm
I say we should be thankful for the calm and for the storm
For the things that seem a hazard, when we think about them longer
Are somehow, by the will of God, designed to make us stronger
If saying you’re surviving is the best that you can boast
Such times give us reflection to perceive what matters most
And so, I’m doubly grateful for the blessings and the curses
And humbly I acknowledge both my good and better verses
I thank Him for the grace that pumps the heart that keeps me living
And all the things I’ve done in life—I thank him for forgiving
The hand of God has fashioned this broad universe of beauty
And thanking him for all of it--is our pleasure and our duty
But more than for creation—for the thorn and for the lotus
We ought to thank Him most for all the things we’ve yet to notice.

Oct 29, 2010

More important than the News!

If you need me to exhort you
To get on out and vote
Then you’re not paying attention
Or you didn’t get the note

The issues are titanic
And the moment is immense
So vote early and vote often
If you folks have any sense

Instead of the election, friends
The subject that I choose
Is the most amazing story
I encountered in the news

For the duty of a poet
If my patron will allow
Is to see into the future
Out beyond the here and now

This week’s great revelation
Which surpasses any issue
Kleenex introduces
The roll-less toilet tissue

Now before discerning users
Criticize the stuff or pan it
Please understand this product
Is designed to save the planet

While this kind of innovation
Might be lost on average Joes
It is hailed as messianic
By you fans of Sheryl Crow’s

For humanity is threatened
And the cosmic claxon tolls
From the danger that’s presented
By those little cardboard roll

And this is just the vanguard
Of a trend that I see startin’
Why, soon they’ll all be selling
Quarts of milk without the carton

So all of you progressives
No matter how you’re feeling
After the election
Rest assured the planet’s healing

Oct 15, 2010

Show me the Money

The High Court says that
Legal Students
Should learn from foreign

And foreign films
Will sure excite
Some smiles on
A Summer Night

And the elite
Cum habitude
Prefer the taste
Of foreign food
(And foreign beer
To pale home-brewed)

And Buick, now
Thanks to those Czars
Claims Germans
Engineer their cars

They say
Our greatest institutions
Are blessed by
Foreign contributions

For Liberals take
A global view
Unlike you simple red-necks do

They understand
The French should vet
The spot your thermostats
Are set

But this week,
If you hadn’t heard
Is a dirty word

So if you run for office, Sonny
You ought not take
That foreign money

Oct 8, 2010

October Surprise

October Surprise

Sometimes, I think it’s frightening
Just as the polls are tightening
A scandal will explode on us
Just like a bolt of light-en-ing

Each time this month arises
In weird and wild disguises
A feast of treats are served up as

The headlines, I’ve been scanning
For flames that need some fanning
To see if I can puzzle what
Politicos are planning

You know, it’s so uncanny
They search each nook and cranny
To see if their opponent has
A mistress – or a nanny!

It’s all they’ve been pursuing
Each resume reviewing
With their staff to polygraph
A candidates undoing

It’s not my jurisdiction
To winnow truth from fiction
Despite that fact and lacking tact
I will make a prediction

A thing quite unexpected
And as yet undetected
Will, with a shout be trotted out
To get someone elected

So when it does don’t shy away
And turn some gal or guy away
This Congress needs reversing
So let’s show them bums the high-away

Don’t dare to be distracted
Recall all they enacted
Without these fights your bill of rights
Might see itself redacted….

Then won’t you be impacted.

(C) 2010 by Tarzana Joe (but please pass it on)

Oct 1, 2010

The Anti Bucket List

There are life coaches who insist
That each of us should make a list
Of places fair and meals exquisite
That we intend to eat or visit
Of all the things we want to do
Before our days on earth are through

Perhaps this is some sound advice
Don’t get me wrong—such lists are nice
But not as worthwhile undertaking
Or helpful as the list I’m making
I’m writing down; before I die
A list of things I’ll never try

So heed my words, if you’re disposed to
And hear the things I won’t get close to

I won’t attend an LA rave
Or spelunk in a bat-filled cave

I won’t conspire with any crooks
Or tell my wife how THAT dress looks

I won’t draw three cards to a flush
Or Facebook with a High School crush

Or turn away when someone needs me
Or ever bite the hand that feeds me

I won’t decline a fine cigar
Or let Mel Gibson drive my car

Or try to burn a book that’s holy
Or double-dip in guacamole

Or play a proper noun in Scrabble
Or ever miss a day of Drabble

Or ever cuss my dear old Granny
Or let Ms. Allred near my nanny

Or (this is how the poem ends)
Let Bob Woodward near my friends

© 2010 Tarzana Joe

Sep 3, 2010

Football Follies

Football Follies

There’s one thing about football
That makes fans cry for mercy
That something is the specter of
A quarterback controversy

With Rivers and Drew Brees there
The Chargers had too many
And then there are the Cleveland Browns
A team that don’t have any

No matter who you root for
Be you Redskin fan or Packer
No headlines question who will start
At left outside linebacker

And that’s because, forsooth and such
It is my strong submission
The quarterback is clearly
The most pivotal position

A weak one can do damage
Where the best game plans are laid
A good one leads his teammates
To a tickertape parade

And as I’ve been explaining
Every Sunday to my wife
Football is an excellent
Metaphor for life

If it weren’t so important
I wouldn’t kick up such a fuss
So stop and think a bit about
Who’s quarterbacking us

A guy who’s got his whole dang team
In such a sorry muddle
An inexperienced journeyman
Who’d never seen a huddle

A fellow lacking so much
We can’t say what his worst lack is
A guy who just can’t make the throws
That’s who our quarterback is

But we’ll just have to play him
Well, what else can we do?
Look who’s backing up the guy
At depth chart number 2

Let’s hope the reputation
Of our team is not diminished
When his tenure here is over
And his four year deal is finished.

© 2010 Tarzana Joe

Aug 27, 2010

Vote Early and Often

Let every flag and speech remind us
That primaries are now behind us
Now, each one as his conscience guides
Must take the torch and choose up sides
It’s time to set our jaws like flints
Like no event before or since
Support, endorse, and celebrate
Your designated candidate

What if the guy you backed didn’t make it
Well, then my friends, you’ll have to fake it
And get your keesters off the dime
For all good men, now is the time
To bell the cat and bet the ranch
This country needs an avalanche

For we’ve been slippin’ down this slope
Drunk on a cup of change and hope
Yes, we all sipped that deadly drink
Which brought our fam’lies to the brink
And what’s been in that brew we’re drinking?
Not hope and change…just wishful thinking

“My country, right or wrong,” they say,
And most of us sure feel that way
But when your country’s off the path
Invoke again your righteous wrath
Gird your loins and set your faces
And get thee to your polling places.

© 2010 by Tarzana Joe

Aug 20, 2010

On the Withdrawal of “Combat Troops” from Iraq

That boy who ran the marathon
The girl who watched your kid
The cop who trained on weekends
Just look at what they did

They volunteered for service
Each and every one
They learned to trust their judgment
While they learned to use a gun

They took a plane from Texas
And left their lives behind
They served the cause of freedom
And prayed fate would be kind

We thank them for their service
But we’ll never understand
What it means to risk your life
In a hard and foreign land

We never feel the fire
Or watch our brother fall
And though we can not comprehend
We’re grateful for them all

That boy is back and running
That girl has her own kid
The officer laid down his life
Just as his father did.

The story of their valor
There’s no need to enhance
They went out on a mission
And they gave the world a chance

Aug 13, 2010

In memory of...

The Healers

There are these other people
We seldom ever see
They're hardly even noticed
By folks like you and me

These other men and women
Who seem to seek the light
Who, though they're sorely tempted
They always do what's right

They take the gifts God gave them
And share them where they can
They use their skills and kindness
To help their fellow man

They never seek attention
They never whine and weep
And when the day is over
How good those guys must sleep

These "others" that I speak of
They leave for foreign lands
And they do unto others
As Jesus Christ commands

No need to preach the gospel
Or loudly sound their views
Every hand that they extend
Explains the great, good news

And like the God they worshipped
The used their hands to heal
And learned like no one living how
A crown of thorns would feel

If there's no God in heaven
As some folks will attest
Of all the lives that ever lived
These lives were just the best.

But if there's God in heaven
And, oh, my friends, there is
The house where they're abiding
Is one right next to his.

Jul 23, 2010

A Brief Meditation on Being Famous

The famous can do plenty
But we average can do more
Because the famous can’t set foot …
Inside a 99 cents store

And the average guy can let off steam
Like a hurricane that’s blowing
But the famous guy can’t do that
Without the whole world knowing

And why are famous athletes
Always in a lather
Well, I suspect
They can’t select
The shaving cream they’d rather

You see they have no other course
Than use the product they endorse
While average guys will never fail
To choose the brand we find on sale

Our photos are on Facebook
For all our friends to see
The famous have their mugshots
Plastered up on TMZ

If I flirt while I’m at IHOP
It’s really kind of funny
If I did that and was famous
I’d get sued for half my money

What the famous get away with
For some, it kind of rankles
But I hear it’s hard to have much fun
With bracelets on your ankles

While the famous have their virtues
They also have their vices
So many of them suffer
From identity crisis

Instead of greeting strangers
With a friendly “sir “ or “mam”
I always hear they saying,
“Do you know who I am?”

Sometimes I think I’m lucky
Sometimes it’s sure a bummer
I’m only Joe the Poet
And never Joe the Plummer

Now some may think me clever
Or just an ignoramus
But all in all I must conclude
I wish that I were famous

My soul and dirty laundry
For all the world to see
Oh, Mr. Breitbart
Won’t you post
A video of me?!

Jul 2, 2010

We’re All Americans Now

Forget the squabbles
Forget the spin
Forget the shape that
The budget’s in
Forget the hearings
And masquerading
Forget the spokesmen
Who’re just evading
For just one weekend
Forget the crisis
See to the virtues
Behind our vices
Forget the scandals
Forget the speeches
Embrace the values
That freedom teaches
Forget the parties
Forget the labels
Our founding stories
Are not just fables

May we remember
Above the din
We’re all Americans now
We’ve always been

Come see the vision
Of our next run
A greater future
That we’ve begun
And if you doubt it
My favorite son
Just think
Of what
We’ve already done

Tarzana Joe

Jun 11, 2010

Crisis Management

Crisis Management

By the beard of Dionysus
Another week, another crisis
Even Nixon with all his tricks
Could only muster a feeble six

But this regime, I sadly fear
Has one for each week of the year
And should your senses somehow fail you
With the list, I’ll now regale you

The planet’s warming
The bees aren’t swarming
Iran’s evading
Mosad’s blockading
Employment’s falling
Recovery’s stalling
The market’s tanking
And so is banking
The border’s porous
And now the chorus
The oil is leaking
And Biden’s speaking
The North’s torpedoing…
And Al Gore’s speedo-ing

There, I’ve finally got them out
The things I dread to think about

But here’s my real beef with this faction
They don’t seem to take any action
They’re just like bread without the butter
A ship without a blinkin’ rudder
Or how’s this for a better notion?
A ship without a stinkin’ ocean
And like some groovy sixties guy
They’re tripping on a crisis high

Well, by the braids of Lysistrata
And with the force of an armada
Tough and brave and hale and hearty
Come the ladies of party
Wearing skirt and pearls and blouse
To take the reins and clean the House
And stay until the Senate’s won
A woman’s work…has just begun

May 21, 2010


I want to smoke a nice cigar
And put the top down on my car

I want to drive along the shore
And not check e-mails any more

I want to sing what birds are singing
And dance toward where the bells are ringing

To see The Falls, although I've seen it
And laugh as though I really mean it

To take vacation for six weeks
In short, to be just like the Greeks

I want, I want, I's true
And folks I bet you're wanting too

I want to sleep and really rest
And get this weight off of my chest

I want to own an Irish Setter
I want my mom to make it better!

I want, one day, to write some prose...
And punch a politician's nose

I want to stand up at his meeting
And give the guy a Brooklyn greeting

I want the Freedom we're conceived in
Based on truths we've all believed in

So more than all I can remember
I'm wanting it to be November.

May 14, 2010

Ode to Tests

I plan to wax poetic
Well, what else would I do?
Regarding quizzes, tests, exams
An, yes, assessments, too.

As children we disliked them
Invaders of our youth
Each one a deeply dreary, dark
Unloved moment of truth

We crammed instead of studdied
And raised our foolish voices
Against short answrs, true or false
And mad multiple choices

Is there a phrase more fright'ning
More seering or more spinal
Or maybe quite so morbid as,
"Tomorrow is your final!"

Alas, somehow I miss them
And yet, what's there to love
In A? AB? AB&C?
Or "None of the above"

It's how you know for certain
The progress that you've made
For after school it's rare that you'll
Be handed back a grade

Back there the field was level
Out here it's wet cement
I long to know just where I stand
In letters or per cent

Oh, for those days of testing
For them, what would I do?
When all I needed to prevail
Was a Ticonderoga

Apr 30, 2010

Join Facebook Cause: Save Special Education

I think of Will,
A special boy I know
Who, when I met him first
Hid behind his father’s leg
And wailed when cars went by
Afraid in ways we didn’t understand
And there he is today
Singing for his class
Filling the schoolyard and his
Father’s heart with music.

And Adam
I think about the time
I stood beside him in the dim-lit room
Looking at the Star-Spangled Banner
He told me things the docent didn’t know
Amazing tourists in the way
Another special boy
Confounded scholars in Jerusalem
Troubling His mother’s heart

I think of Max
Who wouldn’t speak
And always read the floor
And wondered when
I’d hear his voice
And there he is, sixteen
Walking, determined, to the bus stop.
I honk as I drive by and he waves

They seem so far away
The days when I first met them
And the journey has been hard
And the journey isn’t over
And the journey doesn’t end
As every parent knows

So, of course, I want to cry
But when I want to cry
I think of Will, singing

Apr 23, 2010

Happy Mothers' Day

The perfect gift! A custom poem for your mom (or wife) by Tarzana Joe. Contact me
at for rates and deadlines.

Apr 21, 2010

Song of the Calm Candidates

Song of the Calm Conservative

In politics, I’ve always thought
My outlook to be sanguine
I’m never one to hit the streets
With pots and pans a’bang-uine

If I converse with Democrats
I disagree with--slightly
I gently say what’s on my mind
And listen quite politely

In matters of direction
The country has a choice
And though I’d like to sway you
I’ll never raise my voice

But I’ve observed in recent weeks
The left’s progressive rancor
They’ve treated me as shabbily
As an investment banker

Of Democratic tactics
I’ll gladly share my take,
Never stop your enemy
When he’s making a mistake

I find their zeal inspiring
If I may speak the truth
And I’ll adjust my attitude
Inside the voting booth

The moment is upon us
To paraphrase a quote
Now is the time for all good men
To donate, rally, vote

We’ll meet them on the beaches
We’ll fight them in the trenches
From Maine to Colorado
It’s time to clear the benches

I see a brighter future
When men and women rally
To genuine conservatives
Like Broden and Todd Lally

Cooly urge your neighbor
To action just in case he
Hasn't learned of candidates
Like Rooney or Renacci

I have no apprehensions
And feel we cannot fail
If we support quite calmly
Mike Castle and Ben Quayle

Each one can do his portion
The highest to the least man
And make a contribution
To candidates like Eastman

To those still on the sidelines
Watch as the country learns
To toast Speaker Pelosi
By voting for Tim Burns

So when the campaign’s over
And this election’s through
I’ll have serenely done my part

Apr 16, 2010

Thank you very much, Mister President

I know it sounds unusual
And just a wee bit quirky
But government is giving us
A second slice of Turkey

I’ve never heard such nonsense
All the years that I’ve been living
The President says April
Is the month to have Thanksgiving

He doesn’t say this lightly
Stepping out there on a limb
Sincerely he believes that
We should all be thanking him

I leave it to posterity
For how it wants to rank you
Allow me to enumerate
The ways I’d like to thank you

Thank you, Mr. President
For deficits unending
And thank you, Mr. President
For all the condescending

For bleeding unemployment
And no remedy to staunch it
A brand new rocket capsule
And no rocket ship to launch it

Thank you for the way, sir
That my IRA is tanking
And thank you for the job that
You’re about to do to banking

Thank you for the health care bill
And all its thousand pages
I expect Americans
Will be thanking you for ages

For all of this I thank you
And for more I can’t remember
But most of all I thank you
For the Second of November

(c) 2010 by Tarzana Joe

Apr 9, 2010

Song of the College Grad 2010

Early in my college days
The future looked fantastic
Preparing for a long career
In aluminum or plastic

But then quite unexpectedly
I felt my interest veering
Toward the fields of chemical
Or nuclear engineering

With each class I enrolled in
I saw a brand new chance
To make myself a household name
In banking or finance

But despite my youth and intellect
Financial firms are firing
And if I want a salary
Well, the government is hiring

I had myself an interview
And say this with some pride
I could be working with the agency
That makes certain…
Your shoelaces are tied

For all across America
Our infrastructure’s crumbling
And we won’t make any headway
Until we all stop stumbling

The data I assemble
Will tell the Congress whether
They should pass a bill to ban
Shoelaces altogether

But if the guy that’s hiring
Thinks my resume needs burnishing
I’ll intern with the Golden State’s
Bureau of Home Furnishing

I hear the pay is good there
Inspecting chairs and tables
And fining folks who cut off
Mattress and upholstery labels

Yes, I can’t wait to graduate
Later in this year
And start my helpful and productive
Government Career

(c) Tarzana Joe 2010

Mar 26, 2010

This week's poem!!!!

Consequences by Tarzana Joe

We long have heard that poet’s tale
A kingdom lost for want of nail
The lesson that should give us pause is
We can’t foresee disasters’ causes
An insect wing that stirs the breeze
Can bring a planet to its knees
Thus the threat of last week’s vote is
Something we will hardly notice

A somewhat pale and sober man
Won’t pay the tax. Won’t get the tan
And feeling down and somewhat palid
Won’t think his hopes for love are valid
And never speak what’s in his heart
And watch his dreamed-of wife depart
Because he skipped that tanning bed
His DNA and hers didn’t wed
And on a dark and dreary morn
The second Einstein won’t be born

What other cause for consternation
Is buried in this legislation?

The greatest of potential groaners
Is facing chefs and café owners
For every choice that’s on their menu
In each and every eating venue
Yes, every dish, sautéed or roasted
Must have its health statistics posted
Exactly as the law advises
Precisely based on portion sizes
And if the law’s enforced this way
It means the death of the buffet

Where government prescribes the meat
But surely not, “All you can eat”

Oppressive bill! And so rewardless
To make the future Smorgasbordless

It must be scrapped
It can’t be mended
Or with a whimper
All is ended
From consequences unintended.

Mar 19, 2010

Can't I?

Some folks are very grateful for
The country that we’ve got
But others see a better way
And often dream, “Why not?”

For you see there are the lucky
While some others are bedeviled
We idealists see a method
For these outcomes to be leveled

Yes, some are very spindly
While others are quite fat
To balance this disparity
We pass a law for that

And some folks are unhappy
All across our teeming nation
We ought to perk their spirits
With a little legislation

And some men harbor prejudice
Deny it, but it’s true
I think that we can fix that
With just a law, or two

Some folks are very ugly
While, unfairly, some are pretty
To rectify this outrage
Well, we’ll fix it in committee

Why, we’re just a single rollcall
From a lifetime of Utopia
A chance to share the blessings
Of our cousins in Europia

And those who would oppose us
Oh, you’re mad as many hatters
Trying to convince us
That the Constitution matters

This future is a struggle
But you know it’s worth a try
Just like Speaker Pelosi
I can DEEM, can’t I?

Mar 12, 2010

What a Week !!!

It started out with evening gowns
That couldn’t get much tackier
But who’d have thought this week that was
Could possibly get wackier

Pelosi spoke a sentence so absurd
She couldn’t spin it
She said we had to pass that bill
To find out what was in it

I’m sure that if we lift the lid
We’re in for certain shocks
As we unleash the furies
Lurcking in Obama’s box

The Chief of Staff sat nakedly
Upon the seat of power
Say what you will that sounds to me
To be “abuse of shower”

The Middle East remains at peace
Despite Joe Biden’s mission
While back at home the Feds conspired
To put an end to fishin’

Across the land a billion cars
Have gas and brakes gone faulty
And in New York they want to put
A ban on food that’s salty

And here’s a suit that puts the word
Absurdity to shame
Lindsay Lohan filed an action
To recover her good name

And yet another incident
Among this week’s delights
12 Democrats stood firmly
In defense of unborn rights

And if you don’t believe me when
I say this week was odd
Those wise Ninth Circuit justices
Permitted ‘under God”.

Jan 22, 2010

A Poem of Miracles

I didn’t believe in miracles
The Red Sea never parted
And Joshua didn’t stop the sun
Oh, please don’t get me started
Noah never floated
And Jonah did no sinking
And anyone who said they did…
I’d ask what they were drinking

But recent happy outcomes
Both sudden and sublime
Have caused this sorry skeptic
To think a second time
There’s been a realignment
This week while I’ve been nappin’
The stars are shining brighter
And anything can happen

Although I’m growing older
My glove-hand will get quicker
Those thin grey hairs upon my head
Will darken and grow thicker
The pages in my diary
Will humble Warren Beatty
And playing from the blue tees
This duffer will break eighty

Yes, wondrous things can come to pass
That haven’t in a while
Al Gore admits it’s all a hoax
And Harry Reid will smile
The White House, in a few short years
Will have a brand new tenant
And sometime in this century
The Tribe will win a pennant.

A smile of satisfaction
Has just replaced my frown
For this and other miracles
I thank you Mr. Brown

Jan 15, 2010

The Future is Mine by Tarzana Joe

I wish that all those Mayan guys

Had been a lot less cryptic

So I could make precise-er plans

For times apocalyptic

Their P.D.A.s were made of stone

And should have had the power

To tell me more than just the year

Likewise, the day and hour

Considering the many things

The Mayan prophet teaches

I'd like to know to what extent

This cataclysm reaches

But nowadays I tend to doubt

Such certainty exists

For prophesies (like health care bills)

Are shrouded in the mists

So here's what I propose to do

Despite what they predict

And when you hear it you'll agree

I've got the future licked

I'll summer in Nebraska

Where I know the weather's great

And then I'll spend my winters

In the southern Sunshine State

And when I need a respite I'll

Abandon my cabana

And take a cruise to the bayous

Of sweet Louisiana

And though I'm not real talented

Or even very skilled

I'll join a labor union or

Perhaps the Writers' Guild

Although I haven't read the bill

According to the scholars

If I do this, the Democrats


Jan 8, 2010

A Poem for Glen From Texas

A Poem for Glen from Texas

Let’s get this Rodeo going
Just listen to that crowd
They’re ready. They’re ready.
The bull riders are finally finished
Now, put me on a bronk
And start the clock

Let’s get this rodeo going
I know I hit the dust the last time
And the time before
But that don’t matter now.
Today I’m ready to ride

Are the clowns back from their cigarette break?
And their town hall meetings
You can always count on the clowns
And I’m getting tired of sitting in this chute

So throw open the gate and let’s get this rodeo going
The crowd is restless and so is the horse
Wait a second. Wait a second
OK now
I’ve got my grip again
There was a time I thought I’d never get back on
But here I am
And sooner than I thought
Sooner than I could
Sooner than I hoped

That’s the rodeo
One day you’re down
The next day you’re back
So we never stop or think about the bruises
And we always count on the clowns

So let’s get this rodeo going. Now