Rules from Radicals

I woke up in the morning
And I felt like eggs
Laid by California chickens
Who can stretch their legs

Eggs sold in California

Now are more expensive
‘Cause chicken regulations here
Are more extensive

And if I want to scramble here or poach or fry here

There’s restrictions on the kind of eggs that I can buy here
 
When I paid the price they wanted
For my egg repast
Covered California called
And told me, “Not so fast!”

Eggs are not the type of protein

That our guideline states
And if you eat that omelet
Then we’ll raise your rates

Well, that kinda’ irritated me

The truth be told
So I called my representative
Got put on hold

Those geniuses in Congress

They could use some scolding
I called him up on Monday
But I’m still here holding
 
That kind of petty tyranny’s a
Downward spiral
So I thought I’d make a video
And take it viral

I knew that on the internet

I’d find some love
But the only sites that loaded
Ended with “dot-gov”

And I learned that every video

Or poem I post
Was subject to approval
By a licensed host

Then I woke up from my nightmare
And was filled with sorrow
For everything I dreamed
Is coming true tomorrow.
 
This final little couplet mirrors my frustration.
The bigger the government, the smaller the nation.

2Poems 2Day

Pep Talk

It just won’t fit inside my brain.

Who goes to war to just contain?

It’s such an old familiar song.

Let’s move on in; but not for long

Let’s go and give this thing a shot

And give it half of what we’ve got

Strategies that I’ve devised are cooler now, and hipper

So follow me, America

Let’s tie one for the Gipper

 

The Language of Flowers

 

Once a year, like clockwork

For 24 Sweet Hours

The whole world speaks one language

They say it all with flowers

 

So as the florists flutter

From house to house with greening

Allow me to explain to you

That each bouquet has meaning

 

Knowledge of this language

And related floracopeia

Can bring discerning gentlemen

The nearer to utopia

 

The messages are subtle

But men must all take notice

If you send her red roses

And she sends back a lotus

 

Red roses stand for passion

Enduring through futurity

Alas, the lovely lotus stands

For chastity and purity

 

So if you bring her roses

And she a lotus brings

Be ready with a sunflower

Which stands for higher things

 

Embrace a vase of pansies

If her pure heart is hard

And send her back some daffodils

To show a warm regard

 

With luck you might impress her

And melt away her coldness

She’ll send you a Delphinium

A metaphor for boldness

 

You reply with ivy

Which shows you’re on the level

As ivy stands for faithfulness

You clever little devil.

 

So why not pop the question

And start the celebration

The bride will have forget-me-nots

And I’ll wear a carnation

The More You Know

I’ve always been so grateful
To the folks at NBC
They’ve done the best they can
To make a better man of me

They told me to eat vegetables

And how to raise my kids
With strategies to help avoid
The plague and AIDS and SIDS

They told me not to bully

And what exercise to try
To think before I texted
And what pick-up truck to buy

They said, about opinions

None are better, none are worse
Provided that my own
Were all sufficiently diverse

I listened to them faithfully

And did what they were urgin’
Including, by example,
How to pick a plastic surgeon

You just can’t watch those promos

Without notice or acknowledgin’
That what these folks are expert in
Are Botox, tucks, and collagen
 
The Emmys and the Peabody
They put up on their shelves
Proves that they’re correct—
In how they feel about themselves

Those know-it-alls at NBC
They’re really awful nice
And so I think it’s my turn now
To offer good advice

Here’s a little lesson

I think all of them should try
The truth, in every circumstance,
Is better than a lie

Please add that to the archive

‘Cause it’s clear, the more you know
The healthier your life will be...
Your friend, Tarzana Joe