All the men who’ve medaled
Or celebrities who’ve danced
Seems to me that every one’s
Augmented or enhanced

Artists that we idolized
And athletes that we trusted
Every single one of them
Eventually gets busted

Runners who had stumbled
And who barely could complete
Suddenly are posting times
Alongside the elite

Pitchers who had lost it
All at once regain their form
What was once anathema
Has now become the norm

Many who’ve observed this trend
Have spent their time lamenting
I, like Huey Lewis think
That we should be inventing

Grants should be extended
Yes, and mountains must be moved
For there is one profession
That could stand to be improved

I’ve set some lofty goals
But the most urgent of my missions
Performance enhancing drugs
For politicians

A chemical concoction
They could swallow or inject
To help them build biographies
Deserving of respect

A pill that stops the vocal cords
Pronouncing words, uncouth
A potion that’s effective at
Eliciting the truth

Something so they don’t appear
Like loads of old Malarkey
Countering their urge to be
So petulant and snarky

We all need this new medicine
Without pause or delayment
I know it may be pricey
But I’ll cover the co-payment

Debate

I have advice to offer
And I hope it’s not too late
For anyone who finds himself
Involved in a debate

These are not the tactics
Used by those who twist and spin
But put them into practice
It’s a decent bet you’ll win

Skills I learned in High School
And see how far they’ve brought me
Built upon the lessons
That old Fr. Gerry taught me

LISTEN to the question
And answer it directly
Plain talk keeps you way ahead
Of speaking circumspectly

Wrap your words around the truth
At least try staying near it
Everybody knows a fabrication
When they hear it

Don’t let your simple statements
Metastasize like cancers
You’ll win some people over
By just giving one word answers

When your opponent mocks your plan
Here’s how you can get through it
When he says it can’t be done
You say, “Just watch me do it”

When he pooh poohs the price of gas
You say, “This much is sure
Until we all get hybrids
It’s a tax right on the poor.

When he keeps touting health care
Make this your parting shot
Massachusetts wanted it
America did not
Just be the man you know you are
That’s how a bully’s schooled
Despite how we might like to be
Not everyone is fooled.

No Debate About It

There must have been some network payoffs
To put a chat on jobs and layoffs
Up against the baseball playoffs

Then some conniving double dealers

(And you know what they do to squealers)
Scheduled the Pittsburgh Steelers

With one man known to gaffe and botch

Did they want anyone to watch?

I watched; although I had a hunch

There wouldn’t be a knockout punch

Here a jab and there a poke

Every time Joe Biden spoke
He said from 6 to 7:30
We’re for clean and you’re for dirty
We’re for sunshine, you’re for rain
We’re for pleasure, you’re for pain

We’re for flavored, you’re for plain
(The man is driving me insane)

What he says in certain spots

Has me all tied up in knots
I need my chiropractor to adjust me
Every time the guy says, “Trust me”

Say what you want of what he lacks
Old Joe can sure make up his facts
No church will pay for contraception
Libya was no deception
Recovery is all perception

Now that the staff has spun and turned

Is there anything we’ve learned
If there’s one take, this is it
No one out there’s going to quit
So put your boots back on the ground
This fight will go another round

SURPRISE

No matter what smooth strategies

Each candidate devises
It’s certain that October’s good
For one or two surprises

The nominees debated

And I’m sure each man rehearsed
But judging from the outcome
I guess we’ve just seen the first

The President’s supporters

All seem angry or perplexed
Which makes me apprehensive
Over what surprise comes next

Some striking piece of business

Which will make Chris Matthews thrill again
Too bad there’s no Bid Laden hiding
Seals could go and kill again

No diplomatic crisis solved

By using secret channels
No factory to open
For producing solar panels

The spinners and the shouters

Will be pumping up their lungs
I wouldn’t be amazed
To hear Joe Biden speak in tongues

Although I can’t predict it

I’m convinced and so believe
The man who’s the incumbent
Must have something up his sleeve

Regardless, his supporters

Should retain their calm and be level
I’ve heard the next debate
Is being held closer to sea level