More important than the News!

If you need me to exhort you
To get on out and vote
Then you’re not paying attention
Or you didn’t get the note

The issues are titanic
And the moment is immense
So vote early and vote often
If you folks have any sense

Instead of the election, friends
The subject that I choose
Is the most amazing story
I encountered in the news

For the duty of a poet
If my patron will allow
Is to see into the future
Out beyond the here and now

This week’s great revelation
Which surpasses any issue
Kleenex introduces
The roll-less toilet tissue

Now before discerning users
Criticize the stuff or pan it
Please understand this product
Is designed to save the planet

While this kind of innovation
Might be lost on average Joes
It is hailed as messianic
By you fans of Sheryl Crow’s

For humanity is threatened
And the cosmic claxon tolls
From the danger that’s presented
By those little cardboard roll

And this is just the vanguard
Of a trend that I see startin’
Why, soon they’ll all be selling
Quarts of milk without the carton

So all of you progressives
No matter how you’re feeling
After the election
Rest assured the planet’s healing

Show me the Money

The High Court says that
Legal Students
Should learn from foreign
Jurisprudence

And foreign films
Will sure excite
Some smiles on
A Summer Night

And the elite
Cum habitude
Prefer the taste
Of foreign food
(And foreign beer
To pale home-brewed)

And Buick, now
Thanks to those Czars
Claims Germans
Engineer their cars

They say
Our greatest institutions
Are blessed by
Foreign contributions

For Liberals take
A global view
Unlike you simple red-necks do

They understand
The French should vet
The spot your thermostats
Are set

But this week,
If you hadn’t heard
“Foreign”
Is a dirty word

So if you run for office, Sonny
You ought not take
That foreign money

October Surprise

October Surprise

Sometimes, I think it’s frightening
Just as the polls are tightening
A scandal will explode on us
Just like a bolt of light-en-ing

Each time this month arises
In weird and wild disguises
A feast of treats are served up as
OCTOBER SURPRISES

The headlines, I’ve been scanning
For flames that need some fanning
To see if I can puzzle what
Politicos are planning

You know, it’s so uncanny
They search each nook and cranny
To see if their opponent has
A mistress – or a nanny!

It’s all they’ve been pursuing
Each resume reviewing
With their staff to polygraph
A candidates undoing

It’s not my jurisdiction
To winnow truth from fiction
Despite that fact and lacking tact
I will make a prediction

A thing quite unexpected
And as yet undetected
Will, with a shout be trotted out
To get someone elected

So when it does don’t shy away
And turn some gal or guy away
This Congress needs reversing
So let’s show them bums the high-away

Don’t dare to be distracted
Recall all they enacted
Without these fights your bill of rights
Might see itself redacted….

Then won’t you be impacted.

(C) 2010 by Tarzana Joe (but please pass it on)

The Anti Bucket List

There are life coaches who insist
That each of us should make a list
Of places fair and meals exquisite
That we intend to eat or visit
Of all the things we want to do
Before our days on earth are through

Perhaps this is some sound advice
Don’t get me wrong—such lists are nice
But not as worthwhile undertaking
Or helpful as the list I’m making
I’m writing down; before I die
A list of things I’ll never try

So heed my words, if you’re disposed to
And hear the things I won’t get close to

I won’t attend an LA rave
Or spelunk in a bat-filled cave

I won’t conspire with any crooks
Or tell my wife how THAT dress looks

I won’t draw three cards to a flush
Or Facebook with a High School crush

Or turn away when someone needs me
Or ever bite the hand that feeds me

I won’t decline a fine cigar
Or let Mel Gibson drive my car

Or try to burn a book that’s holy
Or double-dip in guacamole

Or play a proper noun in Scrabble
Or ever miss a day of Drabble

Or ever cuss my dear old Granny
Or let Ms. Allred near my nanny

Or (this is how the poem ends)
Let Bob Woodward near my friends

© 2010 Tarzana Joe