Happy New Year

It seems as I get older
The year end’s hurley-burlier
The days are flying faster
And New Year’s Eve comes earlier

My memory is going
My brain has clear defects
I’ve still been known to write
2009 on all my checks

The year has been a good one
Although I swear it’s shorter
The Lord has kept us working
And our heads above the war-ter

At my mound of bills my fists
I’m shaking in defiance
Thanks to the Hugh Hewitt Show
And thanks to all my clients

It’s time to make some statements
And though the rule allows
I won’t make resolutions
Instead I’ll make some vows

I’ll learn to speak a language
And learn to act my age
And once a week I promise to
Update my Facebook page

Before the sparkling vintage
Of next New Years is sipped
I’ll polish off that novel
And finish up that script

And with new motivation
My wife will greet with glee
I’ll find some way to publish the
Collected Works of me!

If we show perseverance
Our vows will all come true
So say a prayer for TJ
And I’ll say a prayer for you

Let’s toast the coming New Year
And lift that class of wine
And raise a cup of kindness
To Hugh and Auld Lang Syne

Christmas 2010

Let me take this opportunity
To recollect the reason
Why, from the dawn of history
We celebrate this season

In the summer and the autumn
We’ve been filling up the larder
Well aware that in the winter
Air is colder; life is harder

So we gather to recall…
No matter how the wind is blowing
Our confident belief that
Things will, once again, be growing

And we toast that understanding
With a wealth of sparkling fluids
In an annual observance
That goes right back to the Druids

So we all agree that people
Like to party when it freezes
And I understand you’re asking
What this has to do with Jesus

By the fall of Eve and Adam
God and man were coldly parted
But thru Christmas there’s a way
Back to the garden where it started

We may celebrate too early
We may celebrate too late
But we gather in the glory
Of the reason and the date

From the leaves of the poinsettia
To the trees that give us myrrh
To the garland and the holly
To the spruce and noble fir

For amidst the whitest Christmas
Sights that are the most enchanted
Are the living testimonials
Of the life that we’ve been granted

With a faith that is unshaken
From the Son who lives inside us
What the ancients only hoped for
We are sure God will provide us

So I’ll say it very plainly
Just as angels said it then
Merry Christmas to us all
Peace on Earth. Good Will to Men.

(c) 2010 Tarzana Joe

A Good Speech, bettered

For years it was the same old story
Our politicians, young or hoary
From every clan or category
Lacked the gift of oratory

I sure liked “W” a lot
He plainly put forth what was what
And what you saw was what you got
A great communicator? Not.

All the Courics and the Lauers
Ooohed and Aaahed and scattered flowers
At Clinton’s oratorical powers
And then he spoke for six more hours

At last the folks were keen to tune in
Amidst the markets wreck and ruinin’
To hear someone like Reagan croonin’
The words of Robinson and Noonan

So with the country so adrift
And looking for a little lift
“Give us change and make it swift”
Came one who claimed he had the gift

Between the risings and revolts
The daily drams of jars and jolts
Came language like a thousand volts
And when he finished—thunderbolts

Now two years later we have seen
What he said he didn’t mean
Plus the wit is not so keen
Unless he reads it from a screen

And so I urge him to think twice
You know we all must sacrifice
I’ll make it clear and quite concise
I offer now this good advice

Recall when Johnson thrilled the nation
The speech that earned him an ovation
Contained the famous peroration
I will not seek the nomination

(c)2010 Tarzana Joe

This is How I Feel Today

I thought I heard a story
While sailing on my yacht
The President’s for tax cuts
But Jim DeMint is not

Reliable Joe Biden
Whose voice the wise man heeds
Says tax rates from the George Bush years
Are what this country needs

If this is all a nightmare
Then don’t let me awaken
I feel as if I’m living in
A snow globe that’s been shaken

The news is so confusing
From print or talk or text
That I don’t have inkling
Of what might happen next

In fact it won’t surprise me
Or jar me in the least
If late tomorrow evening
The sun set in the East

I couldn’t be more astonished
I’m sure that you’d agree
To see in the Plain Dealer that
The Tribe had signed Cliff Lee

We’re all in full agreement
The situation’s heinous
Because all politicians
Revere and worship Janus

Despite the plans they’re backing
Or paths on which they’re walking
It’s never really clear out of which Orifice they’re talking

I’d never mean to be shrill Cassandra
Or a warner
It fascinates to see them all
Backed up into a corner


Those Senators and Congressmen
They thought they were so clever
But tax rates that expire
Were the worst damn ideas ever

So now we’re at an impasse
Debates that have no ending
Better bring the gavel down
It’s our dough that you’re spending

The best and all the brightest
A caucus full of smarties
RatsaFratsaFratsaGrrr
A plague on both your parties

Not a Poem, Ted Turner

News Item: Ted Turner urges world to adopt "one-child" policy to save the planet; suggests poor couples could opt to remain childless and sell their fertility rights.

I have never been more outraged and disgusted by anything I have ever heard in my life. What if I am a poor unmarried man or woman or a person in a gay partnership. Shouldn't I be able to sell my fertility rights? Where's my cut of the "save the planet" cash? What if I represent the estate of a child, dead before puberty? Shouldn't I be able to sell the fertility rights of the estate to some rich guy who selfishly wants a second child? What's that about? What if I am born with a birth defect that renders me sterile? Why should I be discriminated against because of my disability? Where is the fairness here!?

I don't think Ted Turner has thought this out enough. First, which of his children does he plan to keep and which does he intend to sacrifice to the Mayan Jaguar Goddess? I only have one child so I'm safe but what if his generation decides to adopt a one-parent policy?

The Ambassador's Portfolio

There is no place to hide
Nowhere to run from life’s assailants
No matter where you go, you know
You’re subject to surveillance

Each one of us a target
Like we’re prey before the hunt
The world’s been taken over
By the sons of Allen Funt

Big Brother is a menace
Yes, a threat that’s like no other
But now we learn that someone
Has been spying on Big Brother

A fellow, quite disgruntled
Is about to be indicted
For all the secret cables
He discretely Carbonited

Because of his transgression
Trusts were broken, bridges burned
We’d better take a moment
To review the lessons learned

A word is as explosive
As a canon that’s been loaded
So if you’re going to spread the word
It better be encoded

Don’t tell what you’ve been thinking
‘Till your thoughts have been refined
No rule says that you have to
Speak all thoughts that cross your mind

Silence has great value
As discretion is a token
That the insights truly priceless
Are the ones we leave unspoken

From what seems the slightest slip up
Dire consequences loom
Say only what you’d say
With Mata Hari in the room

Lips were clearly loosened
By the brew that they were drinking
And all across the planet
Ships of State are sinking
Big Brother may be watching
But he really isn’t thinking