President 44, Where are you?

The Blimp of State’s been punctured
We all can hear it hissing
We need someone to guide us
But the President is missing.

He’s filling out his brackets
And planning his vacations
And counting on the good advice
Of those United Nations
It’s clear that he’s committed to
Atrocity abatement
T o show that he means business
He’s issued a strong statement
The forces are converging
And coming to a crunch
Just when the world could use him
The guy is out to lunch
All across the desert
They’re dying in the sand
Can those guys up in Oslo
Call back their hundred grand?

Economies are tumbling
The workers are enraged
The fellow in the White House
Is otherwise engaged
Governors are calling
They’re cutting to the bone
The President is indisposed
And can’t come to the phone
The crowd is growing restless
And daily getting louder
We’re looking for our leader
But I think he took a powder

Is this the job you wanted?
Then step into the fray
Or did you only run
So you could pad your resume?
The darling North Koreans
Abandoned their disarming
The Fed is printing money
At a rate that is alarming
The price of gas is surging
There’s trouble at the border
Can someone who’s in charge
Get their priorities in order?

Egypt

Among the best and deepest urges
That in the human spirit surges
That we declare come each July
Is called the sound of Freedom’s cry

And if that urge is long suppressed
If grievances are unaddressed
Eventually it overheats
And spills into the squares and streets

Around the globe, the rumbles thunder
Hidden from the thumbs they’re under
Secret and beyond the light
Till finally, the moment’s right

When suddenly, the crowd assembles
And in his castle, Herod trembles
Like any tyrant that existed
Sensing what can’t be resisted

And those who’ve tasted freedom’s flavor
Watch, and every moment savor
Mindful of the lives now lost
Well aware of Freedom’s cost

What moment makes the masses follow?
Rejecting what they once would swallow
Why are they now with courage fitted
Rebelling, when they once submitted?

Could it be what spurred these labors
Was Democracy among their neighbors?

Yes, I know the way is muddy
Yes, I know that battle’s bloody
Yes, I know that when this ends
No one there may call us friends

History’s full of revolutions
That lead to no long-term solutions
Where all men call each other brother
And oust one tyrant for another

The lesson’s there for all who’ll learn it
Freedom comes to those who earn it

A Moment of Silence, please

Following catastrophes
Of nature or of violence
It’s fitting to observe them with
A span or two of silence

For stillness is appropriate
Beyond what words convey
And silence is more eloquent
Than what I have to say

So take that slip of silence with you
Where your spirit’s stored
And spend a quiet moment
With the one you call your Lord

Give thanks for all the graces that
Are spread across your way
And ask for strength and courage
To go on another day

Before you call again upon
The speaker and the singer
Ask for the ability
To let the silence linger

Lend that silent moment
All the patience you can give
For out there in the silence
Is where the missing live

Life is full of mysteries
OF sorrows and of joys
The soul lives on in silence
The rest…is noise.


(c) 2011 Tarzana Joe

Happy New Year

It seems as I get older
The year end’s hurley-burlier
The days are flying faster
And New Year’s Eve comes earlier

My memory is going
My brain has clear defects
I’ve still been known to write
2009 on all my checks

The year has been a good one
Although I swear it’s shorter
The Lord has kept us working
And our heads above the war-ter

At my mound of bills my fists
I’m shaking in defiance
Thanks to the Hugh Hewitt Show
And thanks to all my clients

It’s time to make some statements
And though the rule allows
I won’t make resolutions
Instead I’ll make some vows

I’ll learn to speak a language
And learn to act my age
And once a week I promise to
Update my Facebook page

Before the sparkling vintage
Of next New Years is sipped
I’ll polish off that novel
And finish up that script

And with new motivation
My wife will greet with glee
I’ll find some way to publish the
Collected Works of me!

If we show perseverance
Our vows will all come true
So say a prayer for TJ
And I’ll say a prayer for you

Let’s toast the coming New Year
And lift that class of wine
And raise a cup of kindness
To Hugh and Auld Lang Syne

Christmas 2010

Let me take this opportunity
To recollect the reason
Why, from the dawn of history
We celebrate this season

In the summer and the autumn
We’ve been filling up the larder
Well aware that in the winter
Air is colder; life is harder

So we gather to recall…
No matter how the wind is blowing
Our confident belief that
Things will, once again, be growing

And we toast that understanding
With a wealth of sparkling fluids
In an annual observance
That goes right back to the Druids

So we all agree that people
Like to party when it freezes
And I understand you’re asking
What this has to do with Jesus

By the fall of Eve and Adam
God and man were coldly parted
But thru Christmas there’s a way
Back to the garden where it started

We may celebrate too early
We may celebrate too late
But we gather in the glory
Of the reason and the date

From the leaves of the poinsettia
To the trees that give us myrrh
To the garland and the holly
To the spruce and noble fir

For amidst the whitest Christmas
Sights that are the most enchanted
Are the living testimonials
Of the life that we’ve been granted

With a faith that is unshaken
From the Son who lives inside us
What the ancients only hoped for
We are sure God will provide us

So I’ll say it very plainly
Just as angels said it then
Merry Christmas to us all
Peace on Earth. Good Will to Men.

(c) 2010 Tarzana Joe

A Good Speech, bettered

For years it was the same old story
Our politicians, young or hoary
From every clan or category
Lacked the gift of oratory

I sure liked “W” a lot
He plainly put forth what was what
And what you saw was what you got
A great communicator? Not.

All the Courics and the Lauers
Ooohed and Aaahed and scattered flowers
At Clinton’s oratorical powers
And then he spoke for six more hours

At last the folks were keen to tune in
Amidst the markets wreck and ruinin’
To hear someone like Reagan croonin’
The words of Robinson and Noonan

So with the country so adrift
And looking for a little lift
“Give us change and make it swift”
Came one who claimed he had the gift

Between the risings and revolts
The daily drams of jars and jolts
Came language like a thousand volts
And when he finished—thunderbolts

Now two years later we have seen
What he said he didn’t mean
Plus the wit is not so keen
Unless he reads it from a screen

And so I urge him to think twice
You know we all must sacrifice
I’ll make it clear and quite concise
I offer now this good advice

Recall when Johnson thrilled the nation
The speech that earned him an ovation
Contained the famous peroration
I will not seek the nomination

(c)2010 Tarzana Joe

This is How I Feel Today

I thought I heard a story
While sailing on my yacht
The President’s for tax cuts
But Jim DeMint is not

Reliable Joe Biden
Whose voice the wise man heeds
Says tax rates from the George Bush years
Are what this country needs

If this is all a nightmare
Then don’t let me awaken
I feel as if I’m living in
A snow globe that’s been shaken

The news is so confusing
From print or talk or text
That I don’t have inkling
Of what might happen next

In fact it won’t surprise me
Or jar me in the least
If late tomorrow evening
The sun set in the East

I couldn’t be more astonished
I’m sure that you’d agree
To see in the Plain Dealer that
The Tribe had signed Cliff Lee

We’re all in full agreement
The situation’s heinous
Because all politicians
Revere and worship Janus

Despite the plans they’re backing
Or paths on which they’re walking
It’s never really clear out of which Orifice they’re talking

I’d never mean to be shrill Cassandra
Or a warner
It fascinates to see them all
Backed up into a corner


Those Senators and Congressmen
They thought they were so clever
But tax rates that expire
Were the worst damn ideas ever

So now we’re at an impasse
Debates that have no ending
Better bring the gavel down
It’s our dough that you’re spending

The best and all the brightest
A caucus full of smarties
RatsaFratsaFratsaGrrr
A plague on both your parties

Not a Poem, Ted Turner

News Item: Ted Turner urges world to adopt "one-child" policy to save the planet; suggests poor couples could opt to remain childless and sell their fertility rights.

I have never been more outraged and disgusted by anything I have ever heard in my life. What if I am a poor unmarried man or woman or a person in a gay partnership. Shouldn't I be able to sell my fertility rights? Where's my cut of the "save the planet" cash? What if I represent the estate of a child, dead before puberty? Shouldn't I be able to sell the fertility rights of the estate to some rich guy who selfishly wants a second child? What's that about? What if I am born with a birth defect that renders me sterile? Why should I be discriminated against because of my disability? Where is the fairness here!?

I don't think Ted Turner has thought this out enough. First, which of his children does he plan to keep and which does he intend to sacrifice to the Mayan Jaguar Goddess? I only have one child so I'm safe but what if his generation decides to adopt a one-parent policy?

The Ambassador's Portfolio

There is no place to hide
Nowhere to run from life’s assailants
No matter where you go, you know
You’re subject to surveillance

Each one of us a target
Like we’re prey before the hunt
The world’s been taken over
By the sons of Allen Funt

Big Brother is a menace
Yes, a threat that’s like no other
But now we learn that someone
Has been spying on Big Brother

A fellow, quite disgruntled
Is about to be indicted
For all the secret cables
He discretely Carbonited

Because of his transgression
Trusts were broken, bridges burned
We’d better take a moment
To review the lessons learned

A word is as explosive
As a canon that’s been loaded
So if you’re going to spread the word
It better be encoded

Don’t tell what you’ve been thinking
‘Till your thoughts have been refined
No rule says that you have to
Speak all thoughts that cross your mind

Silence has great value
As discretion is a token
That the insights truly priceless
Are the ones we leave unspoken

From what seems the slightest slip up
Dire consequences loom
Say only what you’d say
With Mata Hari in the room

Lips were clearly loosened
By the brew that they were drinking
And all across the planet
Ships of State are sinking
Big Brother may be watching
But he really isn’t thinking

Thanksgiving 2010

While thanking God this week for all our blessings is the norm
I say we should be thankful for the calm and for the storm
For the things that seem a hazard, when we think about them longer
Are somehow, by the will of God, designed to make us stronger
If saying you’re surviving is the best that you can boast
Such times give us reflection to perceive what matters most
And so, I’m doubly grateful for the blessings and the curses
And humbly I acknowledge both my good and better verses
I thank Him for the grace that pumps the heart that keeps me living
And all the things I’ve done in life—I thank him for forgiving
The hand of God has fashioned this broad universe of beauty
And thanking him for all of it--is our pleasure and our duty
But more than for creation—for the thorn and for the lotus
We ought to thank Him most for all the things we’ve yet to notice.

More important than the News!

If you need me to exhort you
To get on out and vote
Then you’re not paying attention
Or you didn’t get the note

The issues are titanic
And the moment is immense
So vote early and vote often
If you folks have any sense

Instead of the election, friends
The subject that I choose
Is the most amazing story
I encountered in the news

For the duty of a poet
If my patron will allow
Is to see into the future
Out beyond the here and now

This week’s great revelation
Which surpasses any issue
Kleenex introduces
The roll-less toilet tissue

Now before discerning users
Criticize the stuff or pan it
Please understand this product
Is designed to save the planet

While this kind of innovation
Might be lost on average Joes
It is hailed as messianic
By you fans of Sheryl Crow’s

For humanity is threatened
And the cosmic claxon tolls
From the danger that’s presented
By those little cardboard roll

And this is just the vanguard
Of a trend that I see startin’
Why, soon they’ll all be selling
Quarts of milk without the carton

So all of you progressives
No matter how you’re feeling
After the election
Rest assured the planet’s healing

Show me the Money

The High Court says that
Legal Students
Should learn from foreign
Jurisprudence

And foreign films
Will sure excite
Some smiles on
A Summer Night

And the elite
Cum habitude
Prefer the taste
Of foreign food
(And foreign beer
To pale home-brewed)

And Buick, now
Thanks to those Czars
Claims Germans
Engineer their cars

They say
Our greatest institutions
Are blessed by
Foreign contributions

For Liberals take
A global view
Unlike you simple red-necks do

They understand
The French should vet
The spot your thermostats
Are set

But this week,
If you hadn’t heard
“Foreign”
Is a dirty word

So if you run for office, Sonny
You ought not take
That foreign money

October Surprise

October Surprise

Sometimes, I think it’s frightening
Just as the polls are tightening
A scandal will explode on us
Just like a bolt of light-en-ing

Each time this month arises
In weird and wild disguises
A feast of treats are served up as
OCTOBER SURPRISES

The headlines, I’ve been scanning
For flames that need some fanning
To see if I can puzzle what
Politicos are planning

You know, it’s so uncanny
They search each nook and cranny
To see if their opponent has
A mistress – or a nanny!

It’s all they’ve been pursuing
Each resume reviewing
With their staff to polygraph
A candidates undoing

It’s not my jurisdiction
To winnow truth from fiction
Despite that fact and lacking tact
I will make a prediction

A thing quite unexpected
And as yet undetected
Will, with a shout be trotted out
To get someone elected

So when it does don’t shy away
And turn some gal or guy away
This Congress needs reversing
So let’s show them bums the high-away

Don’t dare to be distracted
Recall all they enacted
Without these fights your bill of rights
Might see itself redacted….

Then won’t you be impacted.

(C) 2010 by Tarzana Joe (but please pass it on)

The Anti Bucket List

There are life coaches who insist
That each of us should make a list
Of places fair and meals exquisite
That we intend to eat or visit
Of all the things we want to do
Before our days on earth are through

Perhaps this is some sound advice
Don’t get me wrong—such lists are nice
But not as worthwhile undertaking
Or helpful as the list I’m making
I’m writing down; before I die
A list of things I’ll never try

So heed my words, if you’re disposed to
And hear the things I won’t get close to

I won’t attend an LA rave
Or spelunk in a bat-filled cave

I won’t conspire with any crooks
Or tell my wife how THAT dress looks

I won’t draw three cards to a flush
Or Facebook with a High School crush

Or turn away when someone needs me
Or ever bite the hand that feeds me

I won’t decline a fine cigar
Or let Mel Gibson drive my car

Or try to burn a book that’s holy
Or double-dip in guacamole

Or play a proper noun in Scrabble
Or ever miss a day of Drabble

Or ever cuss my dear old Granny
Or let Ms. Allred near my nanny

Or (this is how the poem ends)
Let Bob Woodward near my friends

© 2010 Tarzana Joe

Football Follies

Football Follies


There’s one thing about football
That makes fans cry for mercy
That something is the specter of
A quarterback controversy

With Rivers and Drew Brees there
The Chargers had too many
And then there are the Cleveland Browns
A team that don’t have any

No matter who you root for
Be you Redskin fan or Packer
No headlines question who will start
At left outside linebacker

And that’s because, forsooth and such
It is my strong submission
The quarterback is clearly
The most pivotal position

A weak one can do damage
Where the best game plans are laid
A good one leads his teammates
To a tickertape parade

And as I’ve been explaining
Every Sunday to my wife
Football is an excellent
Metaphor for life

If it weren’t so important
I wouldn’t kick up such a fuss
So stop and think a bit about
Who’s quarterbacking us

A guy who’s got his whole dang team
In such a sorry muddle
An inexperienced journeyman
Who’d never seen a huddle

A fellow lacking so much
We can’t say what his worst lack is
A guy who just can’t make the throws
That’s who our quarterback is

But we’ll just have to play him
Well, what else can we do?
Look who’s backing up the guy
At depth chart number 2

Let’s hope the reputation
Of our team is not diminished
When his tenure here is over
And his four year deal is finished.

© 2010 Tarzana Joe

Vote Early and Often

Let every flag and speech remind us
That primaries are now behind us
Now, each one as his conscience guides
Must take the torch and choose up sides
It’s time to set our jaws like flints
Like no event before or since
Support, endorse, and celebrate
Your designated candidate

What if the guy you backed didn’t make it
Well, then my friends, you’ll have to fake it
And get your keesters off the dime
For all good men, now is the time
To bell the cat and bet the ranch
This country needs an avalanche

For we’ve been slippin’ down this slope
Drunk on a cup of change and hope
Yes, we all sipped that deadly drink
Which brought our fam’lies to the brink
And what’s been in that brew we’re drinking?
Not hope and change…just wishful thinking

“My country, right or wrong,” they say,
And most of us sure feel that way
But when your country’s off the path
Invoke again your righteous wrath
Gird your loins and set your faces
And get thee to your polling places.

© 2010 by Tarzana Joe

On the Withdrawal of “Combat Troops” from Iraq

That boy who ran the marathon
The girl who watched your kid
The cop who trained on weekends
Just look at what they did

They volunteered for service
Each and every one
They learned to trust their judgment
While they learned to use a gun

They took a plane from Texas
And left their lives behind
They served the cause of freedom
And prayed fate would be kind

We thank them for their service
But we’ll never understand
What it means to risk your life
In a hard and foreign land

We never feel the fire
Or watch our brother fall
And though we can not comprehend
We’re grateful for them all

That boy is back and running
That girl has her own kid
The officer laid down his life
Just as his father did.

The story of their valor
There’s no need to enhance
They went out on a mission
And they gave the world a chance

In memory of...

The Healers

There are these other people
We seldom ever see
They're hardly even noticed
By folks like you and me

These other men and women
Who seem to seek the light
Who, though they're sorely tempted
They always do what's right

They take the gifts God gave them
And share them where they can
They use their skills and kindness
To help their fellow man

They never seek attention
They never whine and weep
And when the day is over
How good those guys must sleep

These "others" that I speak of
They leave for foreign lands
And they do unto others
As Jesus Christ commands

No need to preach the gospel
Or loudly sound their views
Every hand that they extend
Explains the great, good news

And like the God they worshipped
The used their hands to heal
And learned like no one living how
A crown of thorns would feel

If there's no God in heaven
As some folks will attest
Of all the lives that ever lived
These lives were just the best.

But if there's God in heaven
And, oh, my friends, there is
The house where they're abiding
Is one right next to his.

A Brief Meditation on Being Famous

The famous can do plenty
But we average can do more
Because the famous can’t set foot …
Inside a 99 cents store

And the average guy can let off steam
Like a hurricane that’s blowing
But the famous guy can’t do that
Without the whole world knowing

And why are famous athletes
Always in a lather
Well, I suspect
They can’t select
The shaving cream they’d rather

You see they have no other course
Than use the product they endorse
While average guys will never fail
To choose the brand we find on sale

Our photos are on Facebook
For all our friends to see
The famous have their mugshots
Plastered up on TMZ

If I flirt while I’m at IHOP
It’s really kind of funny
If I did that and was famous
I’d get sued for half my money

What the famous get away with
For some, it kind of rankles
But I hear it’s hard to have much fun
With bracelets on your ankles

While the famous have their virtues
They also have their vices
So many of them suffer
From identity crisis

Instead of greeting strangers
With a friendly “sir “ or “mam”
I always hear they saying,
“Do you know who I am?”

Sometimes I think I’m lucky
Sometimes it’s sure a bummer
I’m only Joe the Poet
And never Joe the Plummer

Now some may think me clever
Or just an ignoramus
But all in all I must conclude
I wish that I were famous

My soul and dirty laundry
For all the world to see
Oh, Mr. Breitbart
Won’t you post
A video of me?!

We’re All Americans Now

Forget the squabbles
Forget the spin
Forget the shape that
The budget’s in
Forget the hearings
And masquerading
Forget the spokesmen
Who’re just evading
For just one weekend
Forget the crisis
See to the virtues
Behind our vices
Forget the scandals
Forget the speeches
Embrace the values
That freedom teaches
Forget the parties
Forget the labels
Our founding stories
Are not just fables

May we remember
Above the din
We’re all Americans now
We’ve always been

Come see the vision
Of our next run
A greater future
That we’ve begun
And if you doubt it
My favorite son
Just think
Of what
We’ve already done

Tarzana Joe

Crisis Management

Crisis Management

By the beard of Dionysus
Another week, another crisis
Even Nixon with all his tricks
Could only muster a feeble six

But this regime, I sadly fear
Has one for each week of the year
And should your senses somehow fail you
With the list, I’ll now regale you

The planet’s warming
The bees aren’t swarming
Iran’s evading
Mosad’s blockading
Employment’s falling
Recovery’s stalling
The market’s tanking
And so is banking
The border’s porous
And now the chorus
The oil is leaking
And Biden’s speaking
The North’s torpedoing…
And Al Gore’s speedo-ing

There, I’ve finally got them out
The things I dread to think about

But here’s my real beef with this faction
They don’t seem to take any action
They’re just like bread without the butter
A ship without a blinkin’ rudder
Or how’s this for a better notion?
A ship without a stinkin’ ocean
And like some groovy sixties guy
They’re tripping on a crisis high

Well, by the braids of Lysistrata
And with the force of an armada
Tough and brave and hale and hearty
Come the ladies of party
Wearing skirt and pearls and blouse
To take the reins and clean the House
And stay until the Senate’s won
A woman’s work…has just begun

Wanting

I want to smoke a nice cigar
And put the top down on my car

I want to drive along the shore
And not check e-mails any more

I want to sing what birds are singing
And dance toward where the bells are ringing

To see The Falls, although I've seen it
And laugh as though I really mean it

To take vacation for six weeks
In short, to be just like the Greeks

I want, I want, I want...it's true
And folks I bet you're wanting too

I want to sleep and really rest
And get this weight off of my chest

I want to own an Irish Setter
I want my mom to make it better!

I want, one day, to write some prose...
And punch a politician's nose

I want to stand up at his meeting
And give the guy a Brooklyn greeting

I want the Freedom we're conceived in
Based on truths we've all believed in

So more than all I can remember
I'm wanting it to be November.

Ode to Tests

I plan to wax poetic
Well, what else would I do?
Regarding quizzes, tests, exams
An, yes, assessments, too.

As children we disliked them
Invaders of our youth
Each one a deeply dreary, dark
Unloved moment of truth

We crammed instead of studdied
And raised our foolish voices
Against short answrs, true or false
And mad multiple choices

Is there a phrase more fright'ning
More seering or more spinal
Or maybe quite so morbid as,
"Tomorrow is your final!"

Alas, somehow I miss them
And yet, what's there to love
In A? AB? AB&C?
Or "None of the above"

It's how you know for certain
The progress that you've made
For after school it's rare that you'll
Be handed back a grade

Back there the field was level
Out here it's wet cement
I long to know just where I stand
In letters or per cent

Oh, for those days of testing
For them, what would I do?
When all I needed to prevail
Was a Ticonderoga
Number
2

Join Facebook Cause: Save Special Education

I think of Will,
A special boy I know
Who, when I met him first
Hid behind his father’s leg
And wailed when cars went by
Afraid in ways we didn’t understand
And there he is today
Singing for his class
Filling the schoolyard and his
Father’s heart with music.

And Adam
I think about the time
I stood beside him in the dim-lit room
Looking at the Star-Spangled Banner
He told me things the docent didn’t know
Amazing tourists in the way
Another special boy
Confounded scholars in Jerusalem
Troubling His mother’s heart

I think of Max
Who wouldn’t speak
And always read the floor
And wondered when
I’d hear his voice
And there he is, sixteen
Walking, determined, to the bus stop.
I honk as I drive by and he waves

They seem so far away
The days when I first met them
And the journey has been hard
And the journey isn’t over
And the journey doesn’t end
As every parent knows

So, of course, I want to cry
But when I want to cry
I think of Will, singing

Happy Mothers' Day

The perfect gift! A custom poem for your mom (or wife) by Tarzana Joe. Contact me
at tarzanajoe@hotmail.com for rates and deadlines.