Tarzana Joe

State of the U nion

2012-01-27T17:45:00.000-08:00

Because it’s wise to scrutinize
The nation’s apparatus
Once a year the president
Reports the union’s status

He stands before the congress
Which is a fitting forum
And they receive his message
With appropriate decorum

They clap for all his programs
And laugh at all his jokes
And cheer the founding fathers
He randomly invokes

Though at the peroration
Just half the quorum stands
For, alas, the other half
Is sitting on its hands

But every leader honors
This peculiar institution
It is, of course, required
By that pesky Constitution

These speeches run together
And tangle in my head
I swear I heard Obama say
What Jimmy Carter said.

He thinks we don’t remember
It sets my blood to boil
Every time he mentions
Merit pay and foreign oil

And then those tax incentives
I’m sure you heard him pitch
But don’t take those deductions
If you happen to be rich

I want to watch the broadcast
With rectitude and pride
And hate it when I scare the cat
By shouting out, “You lied!”

Perhaps the next commander
Will see that it’s exped-ier
To skip the whole oration thing
And work with social media

Fired Up

2012-01-13T18:03:00.001-08:00

The outlook is improving
And I hear Home Depot’s hiring
However, there are people
We must still consider firing

There’s several I can think of
Who should have a lot more free time
Starting with that bureaucrat
Who books Obama’s tee-time

And others I’m convinced, at least
Deserve a cut in pay
Starting with all zealots
Who work at the E.P.A.

And if I were elected
I’d pass out some cigars
Then start the reformation
By dismissing all the czars

And though I know that cutbacks
Tend to cause a lot of stress
I have a plan to decimate
The staff at I.R.S.

I’d can that new department
Aimed at “helping” the consumer
And then I’d send out pink slips
To Pelosi, Reid and Schumer

I’d scrutinize the records
Then make it a requirement
Whoever gave Solyndra cash
Accept early retirement

If you sold guns to drug lords
That merits a suspension
And if you lie to hide it
Whoops! There goes your pension

It hurts to lose employment
Believe me, I remember
But I live in hope that someone
Gets his notice next November

Happy New Year

2011-12-29T19:14:00.001-08:00

New Year 2012

I think you folks will all concur
The year gone by has been a blur
It seems October pumpkins still
Are resting on my window sill
For time, I’m certain has been bended
I swear, last week, the summer ended
I went and met my kids new teachers
And Pujols hit one in the bleachers
My savings hadn’t been depleted
The Cleveland Browns were undefeated
Herman Cain was all the buzz
And Corzine knew where his money was

Another 12 months have been squandered
As if I, through a wormhole, wandered
And so I feel I must make haste
Or put another week to waste
For I have now but one directive
To pen a rhyming retrospective
Then close by hoping for our host
And listeners from coast to coast
That fate and fortune might conspire
To give you all the you desire
And when the champagne corks are popped
After the crystal ball has dropped

I pray for you by all that’s holy
That time may pass a bit more slowly

So taste the feast and sip the wine
But save a glass for Auld Lang Syne

Is this any way to pick a candidate?

2011-12-09T23:40:00.000-08:00

Some folks think that we’re heading down
A freeway to disaster
Under the direction of
Some evil puppetmaster

A hidden hand that seeks to break
All bound’ries and each border
Inexorably establishing
Some creepy new world order

These folks conclude we’re powerless
To thwart what it devises
And see the hidden hand behind
Their candidates’ demises

For those who shout , “Conspiracy”
I pose to you this query…
How can you see a master plan
Where I see chaos theory?

A candidate soars in the polls
Then blunders, gaffes and stumbles
A lead thought insurmountable
Within a weekend crumbles

A war chest grows from day to day
Deposit on deposit
And then some half-dressed skeleton
Emerges from the closet

Now some expect the outcome
Of these regular upheavals
Will find the process elevates
The lesser of two evils

While others see a savior
Snowmobiling to the rescue
A governor who’s currently
Out hiding in the fescue

It’s possible the outcome
When we gather in convention
Will be a politician
The Great Mentioner didn’t mention

But all this won’t deter us
From our main objective, Shall it?
We’re sure to have a winner
By the 37th ballot

A Psalm for the Psuper Committee

2011-11-18T00:54:00.000-08:00

When I was young
I had this thing
I thought that compromise was king

And I would go
That extra mile
To, meet, retreat or reconcile

I didn’t live life the wheat from chaff way
I’d meet the other
Fellow half way

But now I sing
A dif’rent song
A thing is right or it’s plain wrong

And so I stand
To meet this fight
For raising taxes just ain’t right

For truth is truth
And facts is facts
A dead deduction
Is a tax

They say
When there’s so much at stake
There oughta be some give and take

But then when times
Get worse that rough
They’ll say we didn’t give near enough

And things wouldn’t be
So bleak and dire
If we’d let them raise taxes higher

We’d better be
As hard as nails
Or woe betide us when it fails

Don’t make a deal
You’ll soon regret
Take a stand and get a set

For virtue ends
And freedom dies
When good men start to compromise

Veteran’s Day 2011

2011-11-10T18:02:00.001-08:00

When you stand to pledge allegiance
When you hit your knees to pray
For our past and for the future
Thank a veteran today

With a feeling deep inside you
With the flag that you display
With respect and admiration
Thank a veteran today

We all know that Freedom’s precious

But there is a price to pay
For the ones who pick the tab up
Thank a veteran today

When calamity approaches
They are there to bar the way
For the safety that surrounds you
Thank a veteran today

For the peace within our borders
For a place the kids can play
For the things we take for granted
Thank a veteran today

For the families behind them
For the soldiers far away
Find a way to make a difference
Thank a veteran today

If you hear someone insult them
Don’t ignore the things they say
Let them know that you’ve got their back
Thank a veteran today

From the mountains of New Hampshire
To the sands of Santa Fe
Let them know how much we love them
Thank a veteran today

A Poem of Scandals

2011-11-04T18:01:00.001-07:00

As sure as rain’s in Spain
And there’s some wind in them thar willows
I know we’re going to learn
Each politician’s peccadilloes

The papers and the blogs contend
To post the morning’s stunner
All aimed at undermining
Who’s perceived as the front-runner

It happens every year
Just as the days succeed the dawns
To make it to the end
You’d better know who mows your lawns

I’ll give you sound advice
Just as once Joseph gave to Pharaoh
Never eat a salad
That was picked by a Brasero

If someone that you work with
Seems particularly charming
Think about a new career
Like poetry or farming

The polls will keep ascending
Until you reach a lofty perch
Provided you ignore the things
Your pastor says in church

Perhaps we should pick candidates
By Natural Selection
And wait a million years till
One evolves to reach perfection

I know to be despairing
Is considered quite a sin
But I can’t help obsessing
On the things that might have been

If only Gov’ner Christie
Had been just a little smaller
If only Herman’s wife had been
Well…just a little taller.

Tarzana Rant

2011-10-28T18:05:00.000-07:00

They say,” To the victor belongs the spoils”
But I say, to the spoiled belongs the victory!"

They put stuff in our cigarettes to make us smoke

They put flesh on the internet to waste our time

They put flavor in our food to make us hungry

But we’re on to them now

Together we have seen the light
Together we have seen the truth
Together we will make the future
As we chant our beloved mantra

“It’s not our fault!”

And if we say it long enough ,we will believe it.

And we will be saved

We grew up crying
And we cried until we got what we wanted
And if we cry loud enough, the government will give us what we want
For we will be the government
And we will give the government our taxes
And we will give the government our guns
And all the guns and all the taxes will be ours
For we are the government
And everything we need will be in grabbing distance then
(to quote Denver’s most famous poet)

We will turn our back on war
We will turn our back on famine
We will turn our back on disease
And because we don’t see them, they will not exist

And we will finally have the resources to live in a city with a sufficient number of public restrooms, somewhat emptied by low-flow toilets, dimly lit by compact flourescents, moderately warmed by non-fossil fuels, and barely nourished by exclusively organic crops

Ignorance is the active ingredient in Socialism

Regulations

2011-09-28T09:02:00.000-07:00

Despite the constant chorus of
Small business protestations
Everyone in Washington
Is making regulations

On everything from lightbulbs
To bovine flatulations

Our SUVs are way too big
Our thermostats too high
They legislate and regulate
And we all must comply

They monitor our movements
Our e-mails and our text
I hesitate to speculate
On what they’ll tackle next

Before they put restrictions on
Our toe jam, sweat and phlegm
I think we ought to drop a few
Decrees on top of them

No costly perks
No perky clerks
No overdrafts, no franking
And if you tweet your private parts
You get a public spanking

No quoting your opponent
Unless they really said it
No voting on a brand new bill
Unless you really read it

No feeding at the public trough
From now until futurity
Your Pension Plan, I hereby ban
Enjoy Social Security

No island-hopping missions
With trading delegations
Where nothing is accomplished
And seem like paid vacations

Your fawning staff
We cut in half
And please don’t think me callous
You’ll still get your prescription plan
But just not your Ciallis

For those who think my edicts
Deserve disdain and slander
Remember when your goose is cooked
It’s time to stuff the gander

A Religious Test

2011-09-28T08:45:00.000-07:00

I stand upon a perfect sphere
And gaze at the horizon
With nothing there to mar my view
Not building, bridge, or bison

I know there must be more
And I am sure you will agree
Beyond the smallish segment
Of this sphere that I can see

Then someone comes along
And asks me if I’ll take a pledge
That I know for a fact
Exactly what’s beyond the edge

I hesitate a moment
Then I softly say a prayer
And confidently state that I am certain
Something’s there.

Though what lies out there beyond
I never saw or laid a hand on
I know that it exists
For it completes the sphere I stand on

Each Sunday afternoon
I dedicate…about an hour
To a humble meditation
On this world’s transcendent power

I listen with attention
To the parson, priest or preacher
Reflect upon a man whose closest friends
Called him, “The Teacher”

I’ll attend with dedication
For as long as my knees bend
To get closer to the truths
That I may never comprehend

To understand a person’s soul
And measure them thereby
Never ask WHAT they believe
Rather, ask them WHY

Poems from the 9/11 Broadcast

2011-09-09T19:39:00.001-07:00

The following poem about people who serve in the armed forces during Peacetime was a collaboration among the listeners to Hugh Hewitt's show who submitted bits of verse and personal stories. As Tarzana Joe, I tried to tie their reflections together. We did the project poem in August of 2011. Peacetime was about to end.

Peacetime
It can still happen as before
The threats may wane but never cease
Should we be sure in time of war
So they must serve in time of peace
For peace is such a fragile place
And such an easy thing to lose
A flash of lightning in the sky
A whispered rumor in the news

So who are these who volunteer?
Who give a day and then a year?
And then their lives by their own choices
Let us listen to their voices

We hump the boonies clad in green
We grunts who keep our honor clean
We stand in line; we do a job
We take our place for the good old mob

I signed up when I was 20 but knew it when I was ten
I wanted to be a soldier and serve like the fighting men
My father used to mention when he spoke in that certain way
And broke out the old mementos, on the 4th weekend in May

I was sent there to watch the ballots
On a cloudless, stifling morn
I was there at the birth of a nation
I was not when my son was born

I lost a dozen friendships; it was something I couldn’t explain
Why would a woman want to and what would a woman gain?

I have no foe to conquer but I’m keeping my rifle clean
I polish the brass and buckles and fight off the old routine
I don’t see the rocket’s glaring or the dawn’s revealing light
I just stand at my post and whisper, “Not here, Lord. And not tonight.”

I was on the plane that faltered
On a deck in a pitching sea
The printed my yearbook picture
Yes, America, that was me

They had no though of glory won
Just duty seen and duty done
The souls who serve in Peacetime
Is there a spot where I may sit?
A place where candles can be lit
To those that die in Peacetime
There is no monument it seems
For those who lose their breath and dreams
The souls we mourn in Peacetime
They’ve given more than their fair share
We offer them this simple prayer
God grant them Peacetime

By Tarzana Joe and the Hugh Hewitt audience

4 Questions
By Tarzana Joe
Spring will never come again
No April without pain
Each April the Emancipator's
Slain

Brothers, will there ever
Be a seven in December
When our sons will not
Remember? Remember?

November never passes
Unless I shed a tear
Year after Year after Year

And never in September
Will I look into the sky
Without asking the question
Why? Why? Why? Why?

Spoonerism Poem

2011-06-26T20:31:00.000-07:00

Allow me to tell you a foly hable

The story of brothers, Ain and Cable

Now Cable lived life serene and mellow

But Ain was an angry and fealous jello

Ain wanted everything Even Steven

Just like their parents Ad and Even

But Cable had things a bittle letter

While Ain stitched up fig leaves, he swit a netter

Soon Cable’s slood ran in the boil

Ain shuffled him off this cortal moil

Now just as the next day had begun

God cried out for his savorite fon

In the sinning of man, God was well versed

He sought out Ain, but he weared the forst

“God, why do you think that Cable’s dead?

For all you know, he’s Bill in sted

“You know that Cable’s a heavy sleeper

And what am I anyway, my kother’s beeper?”

God put Ain out of the Arden of Geden

Despite the brother’s cries and pleadin’

Now here is the moral and hear it plain

Do nothing to merit the Cark of Main

Remember your lessons from Sunday School

And always live life by the Rolled in Ghoul

A Ban on Bans

2011-06-17T19:45:00.000-07:00

Our overreaching nannies
Are sitting on their fannies
Hatching clever plans
And plotting lots more bans

It sets their hearts a’flutter
To banish guns and butter
So like Savonarola
They’ve come for Coca Cola

And in their righteous zeal
With joy they can’t conceal
Say, “ If we can we should
It’s all for your own good

They’ve stripped the glue from stamps
And incandescent lamps
Which changed the world like fire
Are now like a pariah

If San Francisco Councilpersons get their wish
Aquariums in town will be bereft of fish
Now in their wildest dreams even the reddest commies
Never saw the need to confiscate Gouramies

Bloomberg and his ilk
Might seek to outlaw silk
For in the clearest terms
It’s unfair to the worms

Well, friends I’ve had my fill
I’m drawing up a bill
With an attached exhibit
Of stuff we must prohibit

Stickers on our fruit
And Congressmen who toot
The colleagues who defend them
I know just where to send them

If it were up to me
Reality TV
I’d banish and consign
To some abandoned mine

Those loud and vulgar ladies
I’d send the straight to Hades
And stack on distant shelves
All shows where people weigh themselves

From now till I’m departed
My friends I’ve only started
I’ll make it my life’s mission
To outlaw…prohibition

I Wish I was a Congressman in D.C.

2011-06-04T17:57:00.000-07:00

I want to be a Congressman
I want to oh so bad
I hear it is the best job
Any person ever had

I will be so focused
I’ll start right now, today
Assembling credentials
To fill out my resume

And this will be the method
That daily I pursue
I’ll do the very things that I’ve heard
Congresspersons do

I’ll make a lot of money first
But won’t pay any taxes
And then I’ll take some photos
Where I’m not wearing my slacks-es

I’ll obfuscate and prattle
To hide my true beliefs
But let the country know
If I wear boxer shorts or briefs

I’ll write some regulations
And say that I’m all for ‘em
But in my private life
You know that I’ll ignore ‘em

I’ll get myself a roommate
A fine upstanding fellow
Then let him use my condo
To run a nice bordello

I’ll live the Life of Reilly
Just like a little Caesar
And if I’m short on money
I’ll just reach into my freezer.

I want to be a Congressman
I want to oh so bad
I hear it is the best job
Any person ever had

Memorial Saturday on Wilshire Blvd

2011-05-27T00:25:00.000-07:00

The scouts arrive at 7
A simple ceremony
Shorter than you expect it to be
The flags are given out
And each scout finds his line of stones

Press the flag into the ground
Read out the name on the marker
Salute

86 thousand times in the morning
86 thousand times

As if a rich spring rain has brought the flowers out
Old glory blossoms everywhere at once

And next year, they will return at 7
The time between has passed as if we only slept the night

And boys are men
Coming here again
To have their names read out
Saluted by a scout

Unarmed

2011-05-06T10:35:00.001-07:00

Those with sensitivity
Have been a bit alarmed
And feel restraint’s required
If someone is unarmed

Perhaps the legendary DUKE
Depicted it the best
“Fair is Fair” and “Face to Face”
The Code that Won the West

So that the cause of Justice
Endures and stays unharmed
I’d like to give a tribute
To those who died unarmed

The stewardess
The passenger
The child in her embrace
Who didn’t know the enemy
Or wrong him face to face

The fireman
The file clerk
The guy from out of town
Who couldn’t plead for mercy
Before the walls came down

We stand with all the innocents
Wherever they may be
And praise the strength and justice of
United 93

I don’t know every nuance
Within our Constitution
I don’t know where they’re written
The Laws of Retribution

But when the scales of Justice tilt
And need a little fix
To put them back in balance
Just call on Seal Team Six

Holy Thursday

2011-04-22T07:35:00.000-07:00

I am sitting at the table
Waiting for dinner to be served
It’s a big traditional spread
Someone brings out bread
It looks good but I’m told to wait for the blessing

It’s been a great week.
The crowds were big and steady
Why can’t we eat, already?

We’re all here but we’re waiting for Him
And no one seems to know the hour He’s coming

Wine is poured; but again, I’m told to wait for the blessing

Then He comes in; He says a prayer and finally we eat
(Someone says something about feet.)

Everyone is talking and having a good time
Until He says, Tonight, I will be betrayed by one of you.”

And suddenly, I am certain that he is talking about me.

-Tarzana Joe Easter 2011

Everything you Know

2011-04-15T18:02:00.000-07:00

You’ve often heard me sing this song
But everything you know is wrong
So folks,
Be sure your surgeon is a seventh day Adventist
And if a friend gives you a horse
First take it to the dentist

Roses aren’t really red
And cows are never holy
If life hands you some lemons
Why not make some guacamole

And while we all may criticize
We never should condemn
These folks that run our Congress
Who spell BILLION with an “M”

For what you fail to realize
You poorly laundered masses
Is what is simply obvious
To all the ruling classes

Your government may clearly be
The world’s most willing debtor
But send them more of what you make
‘cause they can spend it better

Just so you’ll understand it
Let me further your instruction
What once was called a tax increase
Is now spending reduction

They learned from California
How to do just what they please
Where they can’t raise your taxes
So the simply call them fees

For years these guys have studied
And are brilliantly inventive
A surcharge is no penalty
Consider it incentive

So when you nod each morning
Or you rise and shine each night
Everything you know is wrong
And what is wrong –it right.

President 44, Where are you?

2011-03-18T18:01:00.000-07:00

The Blimp of State’s been punctured
We all can hear it hissing
We need someone to guide us
But the President is missing.

He’s filling out his brackets
And planning his vacations
And counting on the good advice
Of those United Nations
It’s clear that he’s committed to
Atrocity abatement
T o show that he means business
He’s issued a strong statement
The forces are converging
And coming to a crunch
Just when the world could use him
The guy is out to lunch
All across the desert
They’re dying in the sand
Can those guys up in Oslo
Call back their hundred grand?

Economies are tumbling
The workers are enraged
The fellow in the White House
Is otherwise engaged
Governors are calling
They’re cutting to the bone
The President is indisposed
And can’t come to the phone
The crowd is growing restless
And daily getting louder
We’re looking for our leader
But I think he took a powder

Is this the job you wanted?
Then step into the fray
Or did you only run
So you could pad your resume?
The darling North Koreans
Abandoned their disarming
The Fed is printing money
At a rate that is alarming
The price of gas is surging
There’s trouble at the border
Can someone who’s in charge
Get their priorities in order?

Egypt

2011-02-04T17:24:00.000-08:00

Among the best and deepest urges
That in the human spirit surges
That we declare come each July
Is called the sound of Freedom’s cry

And if that urge is long suppressed
If grievances are unaddressed
Eventually it overheats
And spills into the squares and streets

Around the globe, the rumbles thunder
Hidden from the thumbs they’re under
Secret and beyond the light
Till finally, the moment’s right

When suddenly, the crowd assembles
And in his castle, Herod trembles
Like any tyrant that existed
Sensing what can’t be resisted

And those who’ve tasted freedom’s flavor
Watch, and every moment savor
Mindful of the lives now lost
Well aware of Freedom’s cost

What moment makes the masses follow?
Rejecting what they once would swallow
Why are they now with courage fitted
Rebelling, when they once submitted?

Could it be what spurred these labors
Was Democracy among their neighbors?

Yes, I know the way is muddy
Yes, I know that battle’s bloody
Yes, I know that when this ends
No one there may call us friends

History’s full of revolutions
That lead to no long-term solutions
Where all men call each other brother
And oust one tyrant for another

The lesson’s there for all who’ll learn it
Freedom comes to those who earn it

A Moment of Silence, please

2011-01-14T14:29:00.000-08:00

Following catastrophes
Of nature or of violence
It’s fitting to observe them with
A span or two of silence

For stillness is appropriate
Beyond what words convey
And silence is more eloquent
Than what I have to say

So take that slip of silence with you
Where your spirit’s stored
And spend a quiet moment
With the one you call your Lord

Give thanks for all the graces that
Are spread across your way
And ask for strength and courage
To go on another day

Before you call again upon
The speaker and the singer
Ask for the ability
To let the silence linger

Lend that silent moment
All the patience you can give
For out there in the silence
Is where the missing live

Life is full of mysteries
OF sorrows and of joys
The soul lives on in silence
The rest…is noise.

(c) 2011 Tarzana Joe

Happy New Year

2010-12-29T16:35:00.001-08:00

It seems as I get older
The year end’s hurley-burlier
The days are flying faster
And New Year’s Eve comes earlier

My memory is going
My brain has clear defects
I’ve still been known to write
2009 on all my checks

The year has been a good one
Although I swear it’s shorter
The Lord has kept us working
And our heads above the war-ter

At my mound of bills my fists
I’m shaking in defiance
Thanks to the Hugh Hewitt Show
And thanks to all my clients

It’s time to make some statements
And though the rule allows
I won’t make resolutions
Instead I’ll make some vows

I’ll learn to speak a language
And learn to act my age
And once a week I promise to
Update my Facebook page

Before the sparkling vintage
Of next New Years is sipped
I’ll polish off that novel
And finish up that script

And with new motivation
My wife will greet with glee
I’ll find some way to publish the
Collected Works of me!

If we show perseverance
Our vows will all come true
So say a prayer for TJ
And I’ll say a prayer for you

Let’s toast the coming New Year
And lift that class of wine
And raise a cup of kindness
To Hugh and Auld Lang Syne

Christmas 2010

2010-12-22T18:00:00.000-08:00

Let me take this opportunity
To recollect the reason
Why, from the dawn of history
We celebrate this season

In the summer and the autumn
We’ve been filling up the larder
Well aware that in the winter
Air is colder; life is harder

So we gather to recall…
No matter how the wind is blowing
Our confident belief that
Things will, once again, be growing

And we toast that understanding
With a wealth of sparkling fluids
In an annual observance
That goes right back to the Druids

So we all agree that people
Like to party when it freezes
And I understand you’re asking
What this has to do with Jesus

By the fall of Eve and Adam
God and man were coldly parted
But thru Christmas there’s a way
Back to the garden where it started

We may celebrate too early
We may celebrate too late
But we gather in the glory
Of the reason and the date

From the leaves of the poinsettia
To the trees that give us myrrh
To the garland and the holly
To the spruce and noble fir

For amidst the whitest Christmas
Sights that are the most enchanted
Are the living testimonials
Of the life that we’ve been granted

With a faith that is unshaken
From the Son who lives inside us
What the ancients only hoped for
We are sure God will provide us

So I’ll say it very plainly
Just as angels said it then
Merry Christmas to us all
Peace on Earth. Good Will to Men.

(c) 2010 Tarzana Joe

A Good Speech, bettered

2010-12-17T18:07:00.000-08:00

For years it was the same old story
Our politicians, young or hoary
From every clan or category
Lacked the gift of oratory

I sure liked “W” a lot
He plainly put forth what was what
And what you saw was what you got
A great communicator? Not.

All the Courics and the Lauers
Ooohed and Aaahed and scattered flowers
At Clinton’s oratorical powers
And then he spoke for six more hours

At last the folks were keen to tune in
Amidst the markets wreck and ruinin’
To hear someone like Reagan croonin’
The words of Robinson and Noonan

So with the country so adrift
And looking for a little lift
“Give us change and make it swift”
Came one who claimed he had the gift

Between the risings and revolts
The daily drams of jars and jolts
Came language like a thousand volts
And when he finished—thunderbolts

Now two years later we have seen
What he said he didn’t mean
Plus the wit is not so keen
Unless he reads it from a screen

And so I urge him to think twice
You know we all must sacrifice
I’ll make it clear and quite concise
I offer now this good advice

Recall when Johnson thrilled the nation
The speech that earned him an ovation
Contained the famous peroration
I will not seek the nomination

(c)2010 Tarzana Joe

This is How I Feel Today

2010-12-10T22:42:00.000-08:00

I thought I heard a story
While sailing on my yacht
The President’s for tax cuts
But Jim DeMint is not

Reliable Joe Biden
Whose voice the wise man heeds
Says tax rates from the George Bush years
Are what this country needs

If this is all a nightmare
Then don’t let me awaken
I feel as if I’m living in
A snow globe that’s been shaken

The news is so confusing
From print or talk or text
That I don’t have inkling
Of what might happen next

In fact it won’t surprise me
Or jar me in the least
If late tomorrow evening
The sun set in the East

I couldn’t be more astonished
I’m sure that you’d agree
To see in the Plain Dealer that
The Tribe had signed Cliff Lee

We’re all in full agreement
The situation’s heinous
Because all politicians
Revere and worship Janus

Despite the plans they’re backing
Or paths on which they’re walking
It’s never really clear out of which Orifice they’re talking

I’d never mean to be shrill Cassandra
Or a warner
It fascinates to see them all
Backed up into a corner

Those Senators and Congressmen
They thought they were so clever
But tax rates that expire
Were the worst damn ideas ever

So now we’re at an impasse
Debates that have no ending
Better bring the gavel down
It’s our dough that you’re spending

The best and all the brightest
A caucus full of smarties
RatsaFratsaFratsaGrrr
A plague on both your parties

Not a Poem, Ted Turner

2010-12-06T21:36:00.000-08:00

News Item: Ted Turner urges world to adopt "one-child" policy to save the planet; suggests poor couples could opt to remain childless and sell their fertility rights.

I have never been more outraged and disgusted by anything I have ever heard in my life. What if I am a poor unmarried man or woman or a person in a gay partnership. Shouldn't I be able to sell my fertility rights? Where's my cut of the "save the planet" cash? What if I represent the estate of a child, dead before puberty? Shouldn't I be able to sell the fertility rights of the estate to some rich guy who selfishly wants a second child? What's that about? What if I am born with a birth defect that renders me sterile? Why should I be discriminated against because of my disability? Where is the fairness here!?

I don't think Ted Turner has thought this out enough. First, which of his children does he plan to keep and which does he intend to sacrifice to the Mayan Jaguar Goddess? I only have one child so I'm safe but what if his generation decides to adopt a one-parent policy?

The Ambassador's Portfolio

2010-12-03T16:58:00.000-08:00

There is no place to hide
Nowhere to run from life’s assailants
No matter where you go, you know
You’re subject to surveillance

Each one of us a target
Like we’re prey before the hunt
The world’s been taken over
By the sons of Allen Funt

Big Brother is a menace
Yes, a threat that’s like no other
But now we learn that someone
Has been spying on Big Brother

A fellow, quite disgruntled
Is about to be indicted
For all the secret cables
He discretely Carbonited

Because of his transgression
Trusts were broken, bridges burned
We’d better take a moment
To review the lessons learned

A word is as explosive
As a canon that’s been loaded
So if you’re going to spread the word
It better be encoded

Don’t tell what you’ve been thinking
‘Till your thoughts have been refined
No rule says that you have to
Speak all thoughts that cross your mind

Silence has great value
As discretion is a token
That the insights truly priceless
Are the ones we leave unspoken

From what seems the slightest slip up
Dire consequences loom
Say only what you’d say
With Mata Hari in the room

Lips were clearly loosened
By the brew that they were drinking
And all across the planet
Ships of State are sinking
Big Brother may be watching
But he really isn’t thinking

Thanksgiving 2010

2010-11-24T18:04:00.000-08:00

While thanking God this week for all our blessings is the norm
I say we should be thankful for the calm and for the storm
For the things that seem a hazard, when we think about them longer
Are somehow, by the will of God, designed to make us stronger
If saying you’re surviving is the best that you can boast
Such times give us reflection to perceive what matters most
And so, I’m doubly grateful for the blessings and the curses
And humbly I acknowledge both my good and better verses
I thank Him for the grace that pumps the heart that keeps me living
And all the things I’ve done in life—I thank him for forgiving
The hand of God has fashioned this broad universe of beauty
And thanking him for all of it--is our pleasure and our duty
But more than for creation—for the thorn and for the lotus
We ought to thank Him most for all the things we’ve yet to notice.

More important than the News!

2010-10-29T17:18:00.000-07:00

If you need me to exhort you
To get on out and vote
Then you’re not paying attention
Or you didn’t get the note

The issues are titanic
And the moment is immense
So vote early and vote often
If you folks have any sense

Instead of the election, friends
The subject that I choose
Is the most amazing story
I encountered in the news

For the duty of a poet
If my patron will allow
Is to see into the future
Out beyond the here and now

This week’s great revelation
Which surpasses any issue
Kleenex introduces
The roll-less toilet tissue

Now before discerning users
Criticize the stuff or pan it
Please understand this product
Is designed to save the planet

While this kind of innovation
Might be lost on average Joes
It is hailed as messianic
By you fans of Sheryl Crow’s

For humanity is threatened
And the cosmic claxon tolls
From the danger that’s presented
By those little cardboard roll

And this is just the vanguard
Of a trend that I see startin’
Why, soon they’ll all be selling
Quarts of milk without the carton

So all of you progressives
No matter how you’re feeling
After the election
Rest assured the planet’s healing

Show me the Money

2010-10-15T17:31:00.000-07:00

The High Court says that
Legal Students
Should learn from foreign
Jurisprudence

And foreign films
Will sure excite
Some smiles on
A Summer Night

And the elite
Cum habitude
Prefer the taste
Of foreign food
(And foreign beer
To pale home-brewed)

And Buick, now
Thanks to those Czars
Claims Germans
Engineer their cars

They say
Our greatest institutions
Are blessed by
Foreign contributions

For Liberals take
A global view
Unlike you simple red-necks do

They understand
The French should vet
The spot your thermostats
Are set

But this week,
If you hadn’t heard
“Foreign”
Is a dirty word

So if you run for office, Sonny
You ought not take
That foreign money

October Surprise

2010-10-08T14:05:00.000-07:00

October Surprise

Sometimes, I think it’s frightening
Just as the polls are tightening
A scandal will explode on us
Just like a bolt of light-en-ing

Each time this month arises
In weird and wild disguises
A feast of treats are served up as
OCTOBER SURPRISES

The headlines, I’ve been scanning
For flames that need some fanning
To see if I can puzzle what
Politicos are planning

You know, it’s so uncanny
They search each nook and cranny
To see if their opponent has
A mistress – or a nanny!

It’s all they’ve been pursuing
Each resume reviewing
With their staff to polygraph
A candidates undoing

It’s not my jurisdiction
To winnow truth from fiction
Despite that fact and lacking tact
I will make a prediction

A thing quite unexpected
And as yet undetected
Will, with a shout be trotted out
To get someone elected

So when it does don’t shy away
And turn some gal or guy away
This Congress needs reversing
So let’s show them bums the high-away

Don’t dare to be distracted
Recall all they enacted
Without these fights your bill of rights
Might see itself redacted….

Then won’t you be impacted.

(C) 2010 by Tarzana Joe (but please pass it on)

The Anti Bucket List

2010-10-01T18:00:00.000-07:00

There are life coaches who insist
That each of us should make a list
Of places fair and meals exquisite
That we intend to eat or visit
Of all the things we want to do
Before our days on earth are through

Perhaps this is some sound advice
Don’t get me wrong—such lists are nice
But not as worthwhile undertaking
Or helpful as the list I’m making
I’m writing down; before I die
A list of things I’ll never try

So heed my words, if you’re disposed to
And hear the things I won’t get close to

I won’t attend an LA rave
Or spelunk in a bat-filled cave

I won’t conspire with any crooks
Or tell my wife how THAT dress looks

I won’t draw three cards to a flush
Or Facebook with a High School crush

Or turn away when someone needs me
Or ever bite the hand that feeds me

I won’t decline a fine cigar
Or let Mel Gibson drive my car

Or try to burn a book that’s holy
Or double-dip in guacamole

Or play a proper noun in Scrabble
Or ever miss a day of Drabble

Or ever cuss my dear old Granny
Or let Ms. Allred near my nanny

Or (this is how the poem ends)
Let Bob Woodward near my friends

© 2010 Tarzana Joe

Football Follies

2010-09-03T16:12:00.000-07:00

Football Follies

There’s one thing about football
That makes fans cry for mercy
That something is the specter of
A quarterback controversy

With Rivers and Drew Brees there
The Chargers had too many
And then there are the Cleveland Browns
A team that don’t have any

No matter who you root for
Be you Redskin fan or Packer
No headlines question who will start
At left outside linebacker

And that’s because, forsooth and such
It is my strong submission
The quarterback is clearly
The most pivotal position

A weak one can do damage
Where the best game plans are laid
A good one leads his teammates
To a tickertape parade

And as I’ve been explaining
Every Sunday to my wife
Football is an excellent
Metaphor for life

If it weren’t so important
I wouldn’t kick up such a fuss
So stop and think a bit about
Who’s quarterbacking us

A guy who’s got his whole dang team
In such a sorry muddle
An inexperienced journeyman
Who’d never seen a huddle

A fellow lacking so much
We can’t say what his worst lack is
A guy who just can’t make the throws
That’s who our quarterback is

But we’ll just have to play him
Well, what else can we do?
Look who’s backing up the guy
At depth chart number 2

Let’s hope the reputation
Of our team is not diminished
When his tenure here is over
And his four year deal is finished.

© 2010 Tarzana Joe

Vote Early and Often

2010-08-27T15:34:00.000-07:00

Let every flag and speech remind us
That primaries are now behind us
Now, each one as his conscience guides
Must take the torch and choose up sides
It’s time to set our jaws like flints
Like no event before or since
Support, endorse, and celebrate
Your designated candidate

What if the guy you backed didn’t make it
Well, then my friends, you’ll have to fake it
And get your keesters off the dime
For all good men, now is the time
To bell the cat and bet the ranch
This country needs an avalanche

For we’ve been slippin’ down this slope
Drunk on a cup of change and hope
Yes, we all sipped that deadly drink
Which brought our fam’lies to the brink
And what’s been in that brew we’re drinking?
Not hope and change…just wishful thinking

“My country, right or wrong,” they say,
And most of us sure feel that way
But when your country’s off the path
Invoke again your righteous wrath
Gird your loins and set your faces
And get thee to your polling places.

© 2010 by Tarzana Joe

On the Withdrawal of “Combat Troops” from Iraq

2010-08-20T17:13:00.000-07:00

That boy who ran the marathon
The girl who watched your kid
The cop who trained on weekends
Just look at what they did

They volunteered for service
Each and every one
They learned to trust their judgment
While they learned to use a gun

They took a plane from Texas
And left their lives behind
They served the cause of freedom
And prayed fate would be kind

We thank them for their service
But we’ll never understand
What it means to risk your life
In a hard and foreign land

We never feel the fire
Or watch our brother fall
And though we can not comprehend
We’re grateful for them all

That boy is back and running
That girl has her own kid
The officer laid down his life
Just as his father did.

The story of their valor
There’s no need to enhance
They went out on a mission
And they gave the world a chance

In memory of...

2010-08-13T23:20:00.001-07:00

The Healers

There are these other people
We seldom ever see
They're hardly even noticed
By folks like you and me

These other men and women
Who seem to seek the light
Who, though they're sorely tempted
They always do what's right

They take the gifts God gave them
And share them where they can
They use their skills and kindness
To help their fellow man

They never seek attention
They never whine and weep
And when the day is over
How good those guys must sleep

These "others" that I speak of
They leave for foreign lands
And they do unto others
As Jesus Christ commands

No need to preach the gospel
Or loudly sound their views
Every hand that they extend
Explains the great, good news

And like the God they worshipped
The used their hands to heal
And learned like no one living how
A crown of thorns would feel

If there's no God in heaven
As some folks will attest
Of all the lives that ever lived
These lives were just the best.

But if there's God in heaven
And, oh, my friends, there is
The house where they're abiding
Is one right next to his.

A Brief Meditation on Being Famous

2010-07-23T18:00:00.000-07:00

The famous can do plenty
But we average can do more
Because the famous can’t set foot …
Inside a 99 cents store

And the average guy can let off steam
Like a hurricane that’s blowing
But the famous guy can’t do that
Without the whole world knowing

And why are famous athletes
Always in a lather
Well, I suspect
They can’t select
The shaving cream they’d rather

You see they have no other course
Than use the product they endorse
While average guys will never fail
To choose the brand we find on sale

Our photos are on Facebook
For all our friends to see
The famous have their mugshots
Plastered up on TMZ

If I flirt while I’m at IHOP
It’s really kind of funny
If I did that and was famous
I’d get sued for half my money

What the famous get away with
For some, it kind of rankles
But I hear it’s hard to have much fun
With bracelets on your ankles

While the famous have their virtues
They also have their vices
So many of them suffer
From identity crisis

Instead of greeting strangers
With a friendly “sir “ or “mam”
I always hear they saying,
“Do you know who I am?”

Sometimes I think I’m lucky
Sometimes it’s sure a bummer
I’m only Joe the Poet
And never Joe the Plummer

Now some may think me clever
Or just an ignoramus
But all in all I must conclude
I wish that I were famous

My soul and dirty laundry
For all the world to see
Oh, Mr. Breitbart
Won’t you post
A video of me?!

We’re All Americans Now

2010-07-02T18:13:00.000-07:00

Forget the squabbles
Forget the spin
Forget the shape that
The budget’s in
Forget the hearings
And masquerading
Forget the spokesmen
Who’re just evading
For just one weekend
Forget the crisis
See to the virtues
Behind our vices
Forget the scandals
Forget the speeches
Embrace the values
That freedom teaches
Forget the parties
Forget the labels
Our founding stories
Are not just fables

May we remember
Above the din
We’re all Americans now
We’ve always been

Come see the vision
Of our next run
A greater future
That we’ve begun
And if you doubt it
My favorite son
Just think
Of what
We’ve already done

Tarzana Joe

Crisis Management

2010-06-11T23:35:00.001-07:00

Crisis Management

By the beard of Dionysus
Another week, another crisis
Even Nixon with all his tricks
Could only muster a feeble six

But this regime, I sadly fear
Has one for each week of the year
And should your senses somehow fail you
With the list, I’ll now regale you

The planet’s warming
The bees aren’t swarming
Iran’s evading
Mosad’s blockading
Employment’s falling
Recovery’s stalling
The market’s tanking
And so is banking
The border’s porous
And now the chorus
The oil is leaking
And Biden’s speaking
The North’s torpedoing…
And Al Gore’s speedo-ing

There, I’ve finally got them out
The things I dread to think about

But here’s my real beef with this faction
They don’t seem to take any action
They’re just like bread without the butter
A ship without a blinkin’ rudder
Or how’s this for a better notion?
A ship without a stinkin’ ocean
And like some groovy sixties guy
They’re tripping on a crisis high

Well, by the braids of Lysistrata
And with the force of an armada
Tough and brave and hale and hearty
Come the ladies of party
Wearing skirt and pearls and blouse
To take the reins and clean the House
And stay until the Senate’s won
A woman’s work…has just begun

Wanting

2010-05-21T18:01:00.000-07:00

I want to smoke a nice cigar
And put the top down on my car

I want to drive along the shore
And not check e-mails any more

I want to sing what birds are singing
And dance toward where the bells are ringing

To see The Falls, although I've seen it
And laugh as though I really mean it

To take vacation for six weeks
In short, to be just like the Greeks

I want, I want, I want...it's true
And folks I bet you're wanting too

I want to sleep and really rest
And get this weight off of my chest

I want to own an Irish Setter
I want my mom to make it better!

I want, one day, to write some prose...
And punch a politician's nose

I want to stand up at his meeting
And give the guy a Brooklyn greeting

I want the Freedom we're conceived in
Based on truths we've all believed in

So more than all I can remember
I'm wanting it to be November.

Ode to Tests

2010-05-14T21:04:00.000-07:00

I plan to wax poetic
Well, what else would I do?
Regarding quizzes, tests, exams
An, yes, assessments, too.

As children we disliked them
Invaders of our youth
Each one a deeply dreary, dark
Unloved moment of truth

We crammed instead of studdied
And raised our foolish voices
Against short answrs, true or false
And mad multiple choices

Is there a phrase more fright'ning
More seering or more spinal
Or maybe quite so morbid as,
"Tomorrow is your final!"

Alas, somehow I miss them
And yet, what's there to love
In A? AB? AB&C?
Or "None of the above"

It's how you know for certain
The progress that you've made
For after school it's rare that you'll
Be handed back a grade

Back there the field was level
Out here it's wet cement
I long to know just where I stand
In letters or per cent

Oh, for those days of testing
For them, what would I do?
When all I needed to prevail
Was a Ticonderoga
Number
2

Join Facebook Cause: Save Special Education

2010-04-30T18:00:00.000-07:00

I think of Will,
A special boy I know
Who, when I met him first
Hid behind his father’s leg
And wailed when cars went by
Afraid in ways we didn’t understand
And there he is today
Singing for his class
Filling the schoolyard and his
Father’s heart with music.

And Adam
I think about the time
I stood beside him in the dim-lit room
Looking at the Star-Spangled Banner
He told me things the docent didn’t know
Amazing tourists in the way
Another special boy
Confounded scholars in Jerusalem
Troubling His mother’s heart

I think of Max
Who wouldn’t speak
And always read the floor
And wondered when
I’d hear his voice
And there he is, sixteen
Walking, determined, to the bus stop.
I honk as I drive by and he waves

They seem so far away
The days when I first met them
And the journey has been hard
And the journey isn’t over
And the journey doesn’t end
As every parent knows

So, of course, I want to cry
But when I want to cry
I think of Will, singing

Happy Mothers' Day

2010-04-23T03:00:00.000-07:00

The perfect gift! A custom poem for your mom (or wife) by Tarzana Joe. Contact me
at tarzanajoe@hotmail.com for rates and deadlines.

Song of the Calm Candidates

2010-04-21T22:26:00.000-07:00

Song of the Calm Conservative

In politics, I’ve always thought
My outlook to be sanguine
I’m never one to hit the streets
With pots and pans a’bang-uine

If I converse with Democrats
I disagree with--slightly
I gently say what’s on my mind
And listen quite politely

In matters of direction
The country has a choice
And though I’d like to sway you
I’ll never raise my voice

But I’ve observed in recent weeks
The left’s progressive rancor
They’ve treated me as shabbily
As an investment banker

Of Democratic tactics
I’ll gladly share my take,
Never stop your enemy
When he’s making a mistake

I find their zeal inspiring
If I may speak the truth
And I’ll adjust my attitude
Inside the voting booth

The moment is upon us
To paraphrase a quote
Now is the time for all good men
To donate, rally, vote

We’ll meet them on the beaches
We’ll fight them in the trenches
From Maine to Colorado
It’s time to clear the benches

I see a brighter future
When men and women rally
To genuine conservatives
Like Broden and Todd Lally

Cooly urge your neighbor
To action just in case he
Hasn't learned of candidates
Like Rooney or Renacci

I have no apprehensions
And feel we cannot fail
If we support quite calmly
Mike Castle and Ben Quayle

Each one can do his portion
The highest to the least man
And make a contribution
To candidates like Eastman

To those still on the sidelines
Watch as the country learns
To toast Speaker Pelosi
By voting for Tim Burns

So when the campaign’s over
And this election’s through
I’ll have serenely done my part
Djou?

Thank you very much, Mister President

2010-04-16T18:56:00.000-07:00

I know it sounds unusual
And just a wee bit quirky
But government is giving us
A second slice of Turkey

I’ve never heard such nonsense
All the years that I’ve been living
The President says April
Is the month to have Thanksgiving

He doesn’t say this lightly
Stepping out there on a limb
Sincerely he believes that
We should all be thanking him

I leave it to posterity
For how it wants to rank you
Allow me to enumerate
The ways I’d like to thank you

Thank you, Mr. President
For deficits unending
And thank you, Mr. President
For all the condescending

For bleeding unemployment
And no remedy to staunch it
A brand new rocket capsule
And no rocket ship to launch it

Thank you for the way, sir
That my IRA is tanking
And thank you for the job that
You’re about to do to banking

Thank you for the health care bill
And all its thousand pages
I expect Americans
Will be thanking you for ages

For all of this I thank you
And for more I can’t remember
But most of all I thank you
For the Second of November

(c) 2010 by Tarzana Joe

Song of the College Grad 2010

2010-04-09T18:01:00.000-07:00

Early in my college days
The future looked fantastic
Preparing for a long career
In aluminum or plastic

But then quite unexpectedly
I felt my interest veering
Toward the fields of chemical
Or nuclear engineering

With each class I enrolled in
I saw a brand new chance
To make myself a household name
In banking or finance

But despite my youth and intellect
Financial firms are firing
And if I want a salary
Well, the government is hiring

I had myself an interview
And say this with some pride
I could be working with the agency
That makes certain…
Your shoelaces are tied

For all across America
Our infrastructure’s crumbling
And we won’t make any headway
Until we all stop stumbling

The data I assemble
Will tell the Congress whether
They should pass a bill to ban
Shoelaces altogether

But if the guy that’s hiring
Thinks my resume needs burnishing
I’ll intern with the Golden State’s
Bureau of Home Furnishing

I hear the pay is good there
Inspecting chairs and tables
And fining folks who cut off
Mattress and upholstery labels

Yes, I can’t wait to graduate
Later in this year
And start my helpful and productive
Government Career

(c) Tarzana Joe 2010

This week's poem!!!!

2010-03-26T07:10:00.000-07:00

Consequences by Tarzana Joe

We long have heard that poet’s tale
A kingdom lost for want of nail
The lesson that should give us pause is
We can’t foresee disasters’ causes
An insect wing that stirs the breeze
Can bring a planet to its knees
Thus the threat of last week’s vote is
Something we will hardly notice

A somewhat pale and sober man
Won’t pay the tax. Won’t get the tan
And feeling down and somewhat palid
Won’t think his hopes for love are valid
And never speak what’s in his heart
And watch his dreamed-of wife depart
Because he skipped that tanning bed
His DNA and hers didn’t wed
And on a dark and dreary morn
The second Einstein won’t be born

What other cause for consternation
Is buried in this legislation?

The greatest of potential groaners
Is facing chefs and café owners
For every choice that’s on their menu
In each and every eating venue
Yes, every dish, sautéed or roasted
Must have its health statistics posted
Exactly as the law advises
Precisely based on portion sizes
And if the law’s enforced this way
It means the death of the buffet

Where government prescribes the meat
But surely not, “All you can eat”

Oppressive bill! And so rewardless
To make the future Smorgasbordless

It must be scrapped
It can’t be mended
Or with a whimper
All is ended
From consequences unintended.

Can't I?

2010-03-19T15:19:00.001-07:00

Some folks are very grateful for
The country that we’ve got
But others see a better way
And often dream, “Why not?”

For you see there are the lucky
While some others are bedeviled
We idealists see a method
For these outcomes to be leveled

Yes, some are very spindly
While others are quite fat
To balance this disparity
We pass a law for that

And some folks are unhappy
All across our teeming nation
We ought to perk their spirits
With a little legislation

And some men harbor prejudice
Deny it, but it’s true
I think that we can fix that
With just a law, or two

Some folks are very ugly
While, unfairly, some are pretty
To rectify this outrage
Well, we’ll fix it in committee

Why, we’re just a single rollcall
From a lifetime of Utopia
A chance to share the blessings
Of our cousins in Europia

And those who would oppose us
Oh, you’re mad as many hatters
Trying to convince us
That the Constitution matters

This future is a struggle
But you know it’s worth a try
Just like Speaker Pelosi
I can DEEM, can’t I?

What a Week !!!

2010-03-12T18:04:00.000-08:00

It started out with evening gowns
That couldn’t get much tackier
But who’d have thought this week that was
Could possibly get wackier

Pelosi spoke a sentence so absurd
She couldn’t spin it
She said we had to pass that bill
To find out what was in it

I’m sure that if we lift the lid
We’re in for certain shocks
As we unleash the furies
Lurcking in Obama’s box

The Chief of Staff sat nakedly
Upon the seat of power
Say what you will that sounds to me
To be “abuse of shower”

The Middle East remains at peace
Despite Joe Biden’s mission
While back at home the Feds conspired
To put an end to fishin’

Across the land a billion cars
Have gas and brakes gone faulty
And in New York they want to put
A ban on food that’s salty

And here’s a suit that puts the word
Absurdity to shame
Lindsay Lohan filed an action
To recover her good name

And yet another incident
Among this week’s delights
12 Democrats stood firmly
In defense of unborn rights

And if you don’t believe me when
I say this week was odd
Those wise Ninth Circuit justices
Permitted ‘under God”.

A Poem of Miracles

2010-01-22T15:18:00.000-08:00

I didn’t believe in miracles
The Red Sea never parted
And Joshua didn’t stop the sun
Oh, please don’t get me started
Noah never floated
And Jonah did no sinking
And anyone who said they did…
I’d ask what they were drinking

But recent happy outcomes
Both sudden and sublime
Have caused this sorry skeptic
To think a second time
There’s been a realignment
This week while I’ve been nappin’
The stars are shining brighter
And anything can happen

Although I’m growing older
My glove-hand will get quicker
Those thin grey hairs upon my head
Will darken and grow thicker
The pages in my diary
Will humble Warren Beatty
And playing from the blue tees
This duffer will break eighty

Yes, wondrous things can come to pass
That haven’t in a while
Al Gore admits it’s all a hoax
And Harry Reid will smile
The White House, in a few short years
Will have a brand new tenant
And sometime in this century
The Tribe will win a pennant.

A smile of satisfaction
Has just replaced my frown
For this and other miracles
I thank you Mr. Brown

The Future is Mine by Tarzana Joe

2010-01-15T16:40:00.000-08:00

I wish that all those Mayan guys

Had been a lot less cryptic

So I could make precise-er plans

For times apocalyptic

Their P.D.A.s were made of stone

And should have had the power

To tell me more than just the year

Likewise, the day and hour

Considering the many things

The Mayan prophet teaches

I'd like to know to what extent

This cataclysm reaches

But nowadays I tend to doubt

Such certainty exists

For prophesies (like health care bills)

Are shrouded in the mists

So here's what I propose to do

Despite what they predict

And when you hear it you'll agree

I've got the future licked

I'll summer in Nebraska

Where I know the weather's great

And then I'll spend my winters

In the southern Sunshine State

And when I need a respite I'll

Abandon my cabana

And take a cruise to the bayous

Of sweet Louisiana

And though I'm not real talented

Or even very skilled

I'll join a labor union or

Perhaps the Writers' Guild

Although I haven't read the bill

According to the scholars

If I do this, the Democrats

Owe me...a BILLION DOLLARS

A Poem for Glen From Texas

2010-01-08T16:40:00.000-08:00

A Poem for Glen from Texas

Let’s get this Rodeo going
Just listen to that crowd
They’re ready. They’re ready.
The bull riders are finally finished
Now, put me on a bronk
And start the clock

Let’s get this rodeo going
I know I hit the dust the last time
And the time before
But that don’t matter now.
Today I’m ready to ride

Are the clowns back from their cigarette break?
And their town hall meetings
You can always count on the clowns
And I’m getting tired of sitting in this chute

So throw open the gate and let’s get this rodeo going
The crowd is restless and so is the horse
Wait a second. Wait a second
OK now
I’ve got my grip again
There was a time I thought I’d never get back on
But here I am
And sooner than I thought
Sooner than I could
Sooner than I hoped

That’s the rodeo
One day you’re down
The next day you’re back
So we never stop or think about the bruises
And we always count on the clowns

So let’s get this rodeo going. Now

Thanks Al Gore

2009-12-18T18:05:00.001-08:00

2010
by Tarzana Joe

When near next November’s nigh
A mad majority disappears
In spotless sun

Taxes rise
As realization settles
On a seething city
Thin alliances dissolve

Approval ratings glide down
Facts feature failure for the future
A hard fall comes
Quickly

Then signs are raised
Slogans shouted
For the nation’s celebration

One term Blue Dogs take their leave
Unmourned
Bekins readies their vans

The people have found their voice
Bells ring
The city on the hill shines again

The poet cries
The moment of decision has arrived
The checkbook and the voting booth
Here are your tools.

Angry Poem

2009-12-17T06:57:00.000-08:00

Growl
By Tarzana Joe with a limited borrowing from Allen Ginsberg

They say that every Inuit
Knows a thousand words for snow
What we need in Washington
Is forty-one for NO

No
No!
No more rhyme
No more meter
Now I howl

I have seen the “best minds” of a generation destroyed by madness
Who passed through Universities hallucinating
Who threw potato salad at CCNY lecturers
Who were expelled from the academies for publishing obscene odes

Who made it through all this and somehow got to Washington
To Dream up Medicare for Juniors and Enron Economics
No
We can hand over our music to these men but not our souls
Let them have the newspapers
We will keep our radio and our freedoms

For a bunch who built their orthodox on choice
They sure forgot that word when it comes to
Pacemakers
Hips
Shoulders
And eyelids
I may only have one kidney but its mine
No
We will not let them tax our wind or
Tell us where to put our thermostats
No
We will not let these unshaven underwear shuddering
Peyote politicians tell us how to live
Or when to die

They say that every Inuit
Knows a thousand words for snow
What we need in Washington
Is forty-one for NO

Thanksgiving Poem 2009

2009-11-25T15:58:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving 2009
By Tarzana Joe

While thanking God this week for all our blessings is the norm
I say we should be thankful for the calm and for the storm
For the things that seem a hazard, when we think about them longer
Are somehow, by the will of God, designed to make us stronger
And so, I'm doubly grateful for the blessings and the curses
And humbly I acknowledge both my good and better verses
I thank Him for the grace that pumps the heart that keeps me living
And all the things I’ve done in life—I thank him for forgiving
The hand of God has fashioned this broad universe of beauty
And thanking him for all of it--is our pleasure and our duty
But more than for creation—for the rose and for the lotus
We ought to thank Him most for all the things we’ve yet to notice.

This week's Health Care poem

2009-11-20T17:45:00.001-08:00

Twilight of the Senate
© 2009 by Tarzana Joe

At fashions of Parisians
Americans would gape
While we all totaled tea leaves
The French enjoyed the grape
So back during Prohibition
Sophie Tucker sang this song
Fifty million Frenchmen can’t be wrong

Our intellects look Eastward
For their guidance, wouldn’t you?
Europe’s given us so much
Like World War One, and Two
And they expect that you’ll agree
While marching with the throng
A hundred million Socialists can’t be wrong

And so we turn to Europe
From whence we once seceded
Whenever we want hope and change
Or fresh ideas are needed
If you like the health care they have
Then you’ll follow right along
The European Union can’t be wrong

Unnecessary mammograms
The system’s sure to strain
And all those colonoscopies
Are really just a pain
Disconnect your C-pap
You’ll sleep right through the night
Two-hundred twenty Congresspersons must be right

So what if our survival rates
Are always at the highest
Those numbers are just numbers
And the scientists just biased
Is your life and liberty really worth the fight?
Sixty US Senators must be right

On Saturday, at Twilight
Those Senators go forth
They’re also looking Eastward
Or maybe to the North
Where you can’t get an appointment
And the waiting lists are long
Well, ten million dead Canadians can’t be wrong

Another Health Care Poem, Oy!

2009-10-30T18:01:00.000-07:00

The cork's been popped
The bubble burst
The leaky ship has sailed
Pelosi's Health proposal
Has finally been unveiled

It's better than the last one
It fixes all that's wrong
It must be twice as potent
Because the thing is twice as long

Of course, it reads like fiction
That Nancy's quite a plotter
She wraps the whole thing up in 20 pages less than all of
Harry Potter

That Bible on my bureau?
The work of countless sages
Its wisdom is contained in less than 1900
Pages

She fills the presentation
With paradox sublime
She spends 900 billion but it doesn't cost a
Dime

That's nonsense and its bunkum
And put in plainest prose
This transparent grab for power is
The Emperor's New Clothes

There's nothing there that's useful
There's nothing there that's wise
The only thing it covers is a multitude of
Lies

OK, it boosts employment
With each patient, an employer
Cause every office visit will require its own
Lawyer

I'll leave it to the pundits
To filter through and sift it
The darn thing is so massive it's a wonder they can
Lift it

The cork's been popped
The bubbles burst
The leaky ship has sailed
Pelosi's Health proposal
Has finally been unveiled
(c) 2009 by Tarzana Joe

Bad Calls

2009-10-23T18:04:00.000-07:00

Bad Calls
© 2009 by Tarzana Joe

Some teams, they get the garlands
And some teams get their lumps
And those that take the losses
Often blame it on the umps

Unless I’m quite mistaken
This, more than former Falls
Has seen a certain surplus
Of quite questionable calls

The fans in Minnesota
They all quote Shakespeare there
Like Macbeth, they know
That fair is foul and foul is fair

And down in Athens, Georgia
They sure know who to blame
A penalty that never was
Just cost their Dawgs a game

Oh! Just like Justice
Refs are blind!
The cloth of Fairness ravels
Manny never takes a strike
And Kobe never travels

I say this most sincerely
My friends, my fans, my brothers
While all bad calls are awful
Some sure are worse than others

The baddest of the bad ones
If I may share my views
Is one the White House braintrust made
To battle with Fox News

Every day they protest
In words both crass and callow
Whining makes the whiner look
Poor and weak and shallow

Sun Tzu told his master
Know when you begin
Never fight a war
That gains you nothing if you win

Take a moment’s measure
Use that mighty brain
Even if you conquer
Tell me what you think you’d gain

Yes, even if you triumphed
And a network lay destroyed
Drudge and Breitbart—Hugh and I
Would quickly fill the void

So focus on YOUR message
Think WHAT and WHY and HOW
And that’s the lesson you could learn
From good old Chariman Mao

Night After Night

2009-09-23T17:20:00.000-07:00

Night after Night
By Tarzana Joe

Each and every Autumn
Defying rhyme or reason
The folks who run the networks
Announce a new Fall Season

They promise innovation
And shows with fresh perspective
But all that they deliver
Is another cheap detective

And starting this September
The promos proudly shriek
A popular performer
Is on five nights a week

Now how can I express this
With words approaching tact?
This kind of saturation
Is such a tired act

Of course the public loves him
Likewise, of him I sing
But overdoses come from
Too much of a good thing

I know he’s top banana
The Leader of the Pack
But every single time I look
He’s right there staring back

Some nights I’d like a ballgame
Or scintillating drama
But all the networks give me…
Is President Obama

On Monday, he's on Letterman
And Sunday, Meet the Press
Thursday, he’ll be sewing
Heidi Klum’s new runway dress

He’s going on Survivor
And Jeopardy and then
He’s starring with Joe Biden
On One and a Half Men

To headline “Law and Order”
I hear he has a “go-see”
On Dancing with the Stars
He’s dancing with Pelosi

If I were his advisor
I’d tell him if I could
Enough of you is plenty
Too much is just no good.
(c) 2009 Tarzana Joe

For Mark

2009-09-11T18:01:00.000-07:00

4 Questions

Spring will never come again
No April without pain
Each April the Emancipator's
Slain

Mothers, will there ever
Be a Sunday in December
When your sons will not
Remember Remember

November never passes
Until I shed a tear
Year after Year after Year

And never in September
Will I look into the sky
Unless I ask the question
Why Why Why Why

(c) 2009 Tarzana Joe

The Pledge

2009-09-05T04:31:00.000-07:00

I PLEDGE to be of service to my community
I PLEDGE to oppose anything that threatens the earth
I PLEDGE to fight the unseen terrorism of plastic water bottles
I PLEDGE to support the right of convicted terrorists to die comfortably In their own beds
I PLEDGE (if I am an Average American) to cheerfully pay as taxes to my government everything I earn from January 1 to April 13
I PLEDGE to donate everything else I have to Charley Rangel
I PLEDGE to look the other way when supporters of Euthanasia, legal standing for animals in our courts, tax cheats and 9/11 Truthers are appointed to top White House jobs without Congressional approval
I PLEDGE to stand side by side with the International Community and ignore North Korea and Iran and attack Honduras if asked
I PLEDGE to buy Government Motors cars once they start making them in China
I PLEDGE never to impose upon this administration the subtle bigotry of high expectations

And when my bones are weary
And useless to this nation
I PLEDGE my all to help decrease the surplus population

I PLEDGE to thee, Obama
But if some questions linger
In proof of my deep loyalty
I’ll bite off my own finger

And in the fields of fairness
I pledge to be a weeder
I pledge to be of service
To our Beloved Leader

Keep Tarzana Joe Conservative

2009-08-27T19:58:00.000-07:00

The National Endowment for the Arts organized a conference call of "leading artists" and urged them to be part of the solution. These artists were, of course, those who had received grants from the NEA before and the unspoken suggestion was that if they wanted to keep getting paid for making sculptures out of meatballs, those meatball sculptures should support Cap and Trade and Health Care Reform. The call is seductive. I'm sure I could write an epic-ode-sonnett devoted to controlling carbon dioxide emissions. So please! Donate Fifty Cents to keep Tarzana Joe Conservative!

My latest podcast

2009-08-27T19:33:00.000-07:00

Click on "My latest podcast" above to hear all about e e cummings.

Why wasn't I asked????

2009-08-26T15:50:00.000-07:00

Click on the title above to find out how The National Endowment for the Arts is about to become The Department of Propaganda. Let a thousand flowers wither!

Poetry Pod-Cast

2009-08-19T15:52:00.000-07:00

I Would Shop at Whole Foods (if I could afford it)

2009-08-17T18:53:00.000-07:00

I don't know John Mackey from Adam Sandler. He may have committed as many crimes as John Edwards. The last checker who swiped my Paypal at Whole Foods had more metal sticking out of her than the dart board at my local pub. But a man has a right to his opinions. The outcry of the t-shirt left to John MacKey's Wall Street op-ed on Health Reform is amazing, overdone, ridiculous, and misguided. I shop at Whole Foods when I am flush with cash...and that means rarely. However, I think I'm going to buy a chuck of Brie or a hunk of dark chocholate or a bottle of bacteria for my intestines from the good people at Whole Foods. It will cost me, but it's one line I want to cross.

No Second Cannae

2009-08-16T12:49:00.000-07:00

The news this weekend is that the Democrat leadership is retreating from the "government option." Whenever I hear that a party with control of the House, Senate and Executive branch is retreating, I hear the name "Cannae" echo in my brain. It was at Cannae during the Second Punic War that the Carthaginian general Hannibal invented "rope-a-dope." He had the center of his battle line simulate a retreat. The eager Romans charged into the gap anticipating victory. Instead they were encircled by the Carthaginians and slaughtered. So beware when the clever and powerful retreat. Check your flanks.

And as I have called this post "No Second Cannae" I am also reminded of one of my favorite poems, "No Second Troy" by W.B. Yeats. I would have loved to meet her. But I would have checked my flanks.

WHY should I blame her that she filled my days
With misery, or that she would of late
Have taught to ignorant men most violent ways,
Or hurled the little streets upon the great.
Had they but courage equal to desire?
What could have made her peaceful with a mind
That nobleness made simple as a fire,
With beauty like a tightened bow, a kind
That is not natural in an age like this,
Being high and solitary and most stern?
Why, what could she have done, being what she is?
Was there another Troy for her to burn?

Utopia by Tarzana Joe

2007-09-11T19:56:00.000-07:00

That notion, so delectable
That mankind is perfectible
Is once again respectable
And seems our current goal

We used to think divinity
Was out there past infinity
Perhaps in the vicinity
Of your immortal soul

But now we’re told perfection
For those who’re so inclined
Is nearer than it’s ever been
For it’s been redefined

We’re scolded to be perfect
By cries of the Incessants
We owe it to our neighbors
To use compact fluorescents

We owe this new utopia
To exercise for hours
We owe it to the planet
To all take shorter showers

Forget exploring oceans
Or some day visit Mars
The challenge of our lifetime
Is to all get hybrid cars

If we, in our obedience
Put out the selfish flame
We’ll turn our backs to heaven
And all will think the same

Is this the end of ice cream?
And vices that we treasure…
Is this the end of sparkling?
Is this the end of pleasure?

So down with your defiance
I recommend compliance
Join in the new alliance
And grasp the greater good

Forget what you’re pursuin’
It’s been your life’s undoin’
The past is but a ruin
See there, where it once stood.

Reflections on Knocked Up

2007-09-08T10:01:00.000-07:00

By Tarzana Joe
6/1/07

When I was a lad
I lived scott-free
I only cared about myself
And me
And I spelled ego with a capital “E”
And quite possibly
With a capital “G”
O!
Woe is me!

Then came 19 hundred and 93
When I asked the little lady to marry me
She said, “We’ll see.’
Then, “I agree”
Somewhat passive-aggressively

Two years later she announced to me
We’ll soon be three
Which we proudly communicated to the family

Then in the mailbox
What do I see?
The only letter my dad ever sent to m

Congratulations
You’re about to give a new life our name
PS: Your life will never be the same.

Oh, father dear. How true! How true!
And how often I misunderestimated you
Had I appreciated the changes parenthood had in store
I would have started earlier and had six more!

Now I have a lad
And he lives scott-free
And you can’t believe the joy that he brings to me
And nothing I can think of could make it better
Well, at least, until I get to write him that letter.